To: Lou Dobbs
CNN Center, New York
From: The Contrarian Media Group
South Bronx Offices
August 3rd, 2007
Hello! I’m a big fan of yours, Mr. Dobbs — I watch your show all the time! It’s great. I especially like it when you get all worked up and shake your head back and forth. It’s awesome! I always yell, "Go get ’em, Lou!"
Anyway, I wanted to get in touch with you regarding this immigration business. I know you’ve been fairly outspoken about getting rid of the Mexicans, and I was wondering if you could allay some of my concerns because, frankly, I’m a little worried.
I work for a company called The Contrarian Media Group — perhaps you’ve heard of us? We’re no CNN, but we try. And we’re really taking off! I was originally hired as a "filing associate" and after only a week and a half was promoted to "reporting associate." We just moved to new offices in the South Bronx, so we’re pretty excited. It’s a big step up for us — we’ve got much more space, a freight elevator and even a little lawn out front!
Now, as a fellow journalist, I know you can appreciate how time consuming covering the news can be. There’s always something going on! Recently, we had to hire a few new people to take care of the non-journalistic things that need tending to around the office. We brought on board Juan, who’s sort of an all-around maintenance guy, and Angel, whom we hired as a security man (we’re pretty much the only white people around here).
Needless to say, Juan and Angel are absolutely essential to our business. I pick up Juan in front of Dunkin’ Donuts three days a week and bring him to the office to mow the lawn and, if he gets that done, to do some data entry and filing. He’s always very animated when I pick him up in the morning, yapping about revolucion and such, and spitting on the dash board of my Taurus. Angel rides his BMX to work.
These guys are hard workers, Lou. For example, due to recent budget problems, Juan has to use one of those old fashioned hand mowers with no motor. But does that slow him down? Heck no, Lou! You should see him go! He’s actually outside my window right now fashioning that nice cross-hatch pattern into the grass I enjoy so well. He even takes the time to remove the little pinwheels I put out there for color.
Anyway, here’s my concern. I’m not sure of Juan and Angel’s respective legal status but I don’t think it’s necessarily kosher, if you know what I mean. (I don’t speak Mexican, so we have a bit of a communication gap whenever I ask to see their papers). Anyway, like I said I watch your show all the time and I gather from your newscasts that if you have your way, Juan and Angel will be going back home soon. And what I’m worried about is, if you take Juan away, who’s going to mow our lawn?
See, here at The Contrarian we like our grass cut a certain way… the Mexican way.
And if Angel leaves, who’s going to make sure no one steals the hubcaps off my Taurus while I’m in my office covering the news?
Now, believe me Lou, I’m no stranger to the "get rid of the Mexicans" movement. My girlfriend is from the South, and if you think they don’t like the Mexicans up here… holy crap. It’s hard to watch TV with her because every time a Mexican comes on the screen she yells, "Get him!" It’s a bit disruptive when I’m trying to follow a complicated episode of "Law and Order."
Anyway, I’m writing to ask for a special dispensation for Juan and Angel to stay in the country should their people be forced to leave. They are aspiring journalists, Lou, just as you and I once were. Let’s give them a chance.
Well, I’ve got a little bit more journalism to do before I knock off for the day, so I’ll end here. Thanks for taking the time to consider my request. See you tonight on TV!
James "Cannonballs" Caldwell
The Contrarian Media Group, LLC
P.S. — Do that thing tonight where you shake your head back and forth and sigh!!!