Going on vacation tomorrow — or rather, a bookended weekend. My wife’s aunt died last night. They were extremely close. I have to say that I’ve rarely experienced the kind of warmheartedness I felt from she and her husband. Now, I’m not much of a “family guy,” beyond my spouse and my pets. But my interactions with these wonderful people made me better understand the true value of kinship.
So I’m angry.
Angry at the fact that my wife is mourning, and that I don’t have a perfect place for her to put her grief. Angry that we’re trying to take a much-needed break from our stressful DC lifestyles but won’t be able to completely let go. Angry at how difficult it is to make the time to take better care of my aging self. Angry at the fact that we need to do a complete rebuild of the master bathroom in our condo.
Also, I’m angry at someone who until recently, I considered a friend. Despite our political differences, I felt that there was something worthwhile in our exchanges. Yet he lacks the fundamental backbone to see his convictions through, and retreats like a wounded puppy when the ideology he so steadfastly clings to is challenged. I used to be sad about that — he’s destined for a lonely and frustrated life (which is already plainly evident even in his thirties). Now, I’m just pissed. Pissed that I lack the skillful means to help him understand how bankrupt (and scandalously negligent) his philosophies are. And pissed that I can’t retain a sparring partner who’s capable of going more than a round or two with the champ!
Buddha said that “holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else — you are the one who gets burned.” I get that, honestly I do. But I see myself as more samurai than philosopher. Like Yukio Mishima, I believe that one must train, focus and cut clean with pure intent in order to transcend the baseness of our everyday experience. A man (or woman) who lacks the ability to harness (and even weaponize, where appropriate) their Will is not to be respected. One can do battle and not be emotional, yet fighting to win doesn’t necessitate faux-civility. Such is life, which can be brutal.
And that’s another reason why I’m so angry at this individual! He pretends to uphold a code of martial self-discipline and high-mindedness, but it’s really just a pathetic sham to hide his oversized insecurities. Finally, I’m irritated that I spent so much time entertaining the notions of a man of such feeble psychological/spiritual fortitude.
At thirty-five years of age, I know I don’t know everything. Not even close. But I know enough to stand up for what’s right without regret or remorse. So I’m gonna go on vacation, mourn the loss of a lovely person, and leave my anger where it belongs: smoldering at the feet of an individual who, at the end of the day, isn’t worth an ounce of my intellect or emotion.
When we get back, I’m gonna hit the cushion and breathe in and out, over and over and over.
[...] glad I got yesterday’s post off my chest; I’m feeling better now. Here’s some [...]
Of course it’s not about you, Aaron! Work on the new record continues apace. Five songs done out of a planned ten. Of course, I don’t like it right now.
I definitely still wanna incorporate your work. Did you get my last email? I’ll write again soon. I’m currently in Asheville, NC, and I’m heading to Atlanta tomorrow… will check in when I get back.
Tell VT I said hi!
Thanks for the link to Yukio Mishima! Do you recommend a particular translation? Remember, please, that a warrior must act as a sort of alchemist with the raw materials of their emotions–transform it, direct it! There is so much there. And please, allow your fellow warrior friend retreat. There are times when it’s just useless to engage.
xoxo
Susan, here’s my favorite translation of my favorite translation of my favorite Mishima book, Spring Snow. It’s part of a tetraology called The Sea of Fertility, which he turned into his publisher the day he (rather publicly) performed the samurai ritual of seppuku.
The first few of that series are by the same wonderful translator, but the last is by someone else who I don’t like as much.
My favorite Mishima short story collection (this is honestly a must-read) is called A Death in Midsummer. This is a great edition.
Casey, I finally listened to your new samples, am still wondering if youre interested in Cthulu Christ… faux civility was never your style, you were always a champ because that’s simply who you are and always have been. I know your past family life wasn’t exactly a 1950′s sitcom, but there is a lot of love in you, and insight, wisdom, and a remarkable talent creatively and interpersonally… It’s never easy to see the blessing in our life when we are mired in our shit, I am speaking from a similar place now. But all i can say is simply to follow and trust your heart man, and things will move in your favor…uh, eventually;0) You got a condo?! Sorry i havent kept in touch, and hope you were not referring to me in this blog, I dont think you were… stay honest and truthful to yourself and the one’s you love, despite the hard times, damn i could rant myself into hypocriticom. anyway, let me know what you want in regards to the illustration for you new work…How is that comming along? BTW, I get to go back to Goddard in VT next week, looking foward to it.
much love and respect
Always
Aaron