Creepy awesome satirical article at the TheMorningNews.org. It’s funny ’cause it’s true!
Total non-fair use best part number one:
Now everyone knows Craigslist stole our classifieds income, so why not explore new markets. Like weddings. Say you’re a lonely bachelor, sick of the bar scene. Sure, you could go on a dating site and lie about being a svelte international businessman, but everybody lies on those things; girls will see right through you. Instead, what if you had a huge wedding announcement—page one, above the fold—connecting you to a beautiful daughter of the sultan of Brunei (or even a made-up country, like Dumai, or Souvlakia). We get one of the copyediting kids in the basement to make the descriptions pop, and then when the ladies see you in the paper, batten down the hatches! Let me tell you, girls go crazy for a married man.
Total non-fair use best part number two:
If we’re talking about today, we’re also talking about five years from now, 10 years from now. We need to think about a time when this whole internet thing comes to its senses. That means premium content. When people start realizing that Wikipedia ain’t gonna hold their dick when they piss, they’ll come running back to the masthead for safety. Then we really start charging the big bucks online. What if, instead of some useless article about people who like to Twitter while driving, we offer them the greatest, most insightful, most mind-expanding, in-depth investigation into Twittering, driving, Twittering while driving, the fate of Sarah Jessica Parker’s grandchildren and Africa, and whatever else fits. It’ll read like Edward R. Murrow and James Joyce reading poetry underwater on Mars, backwards. If you saw that on the other side of that pay wall, how long before you say, “where do I enter my credit card number?”
Total non-fair use best part number three:
The final cost-cutting measure is one I hoped to avoid, but it makes too much sense: 30 percent of the editorial staff will be laid off. It’s not something I wanted to do, but financial concerns have put us into a bind. People are stealing our ad impressions day-in, day-out, by just excerpting, summarizing, and linking to our articles. Just because they don’t like all of our content doesn’t give them the right to highlight the parts they do like. So, from here on out, we will be suing anybody that in any way summarizes the content of our news. This week we’re releasing software that will automatically file motions against any would-be “thought pirates” that link to an article with language beyond “I found these written words fascinating.”
And now to wait for the inevitable lawsuit for the non-educational, non-critique, non transformative excerpting of this provocative piece of intellectual property. Hey, at least I gave a linkback — the 21st-century equivalent of the buttrape reach-around.
[Hat tip to Shayne of the Law]