The Contrarian

I swear to you, I did not write the following piece — it literally showed up in my inbox this morning. That said, it’s too good NOT to publish. This item is apparently a response to rumors that Ayn Rand‘s capitalist comic book Atlas Shrugged will soon be transformed into a big-budget motion picture.

Here’s the bio that was attached to today’s unsolicited submission:

Feral Priest is the is the son of a Baptist preacher, raised by more belt than Bible. Part Reverend Mitchum from “Night of the Hunter,” part Bat Boy, he has returned to nature and resides somewhere in the middle of Montana.

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Listen up, Hollywood: Atlas Shrugged won’t film itself. The tumescent novel must be adapted, produced and directed for the screen by a creator who can match Ayn Rand mind for mind. Who is John Galt? His name is Tommy Wiseau; his achievement is The Room.

Wiseau evinces Rand’s bold reversals of mood and self-regard, unmarred by humor. He shares her empathy for betrayed nobles. He speaks, like her, to the angst of persecution. Wiseau confronts his viewers with a singular, unyielding Truth in every scene. The parasites do not earn the producer’s wealth, they do NOT.

In The Room, Johnny loves Lisa, who cannot support herself. Johnny provides everything for his princess. But Lisa defrauds him, exchanging the lies of a parasite for the offerings of honest labor. In the end, Johnny squanders his virtuous love on a looter, destroying his noble mind. Johnny is not understood or supported by his apparent friends. So, he must abandon them all, depriving them of his bountiful virtue. When he’s finally gone, they repent.

Tommy Wiseau sees beyond the overblown debates over selfishness versus altruism. Tommy Wiseau grasps the real divide, the one setting the looters against the TRUE lovers. Like Tommy Wiseau.

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Wow, huh? That’s why I love running this little empire. It really pulls in the best and brightest. . .