As I read the headlines these days, more and more my mind is plagued with one question: what do naked people think? Who will tell their story? Is there a hairy, droopy, butt-stanky man waiting in the wings who could provide some insight on this issue? Are there perhaps other people in these same wings who wish this guy would just go away?
Well, finally the voice of the naked has been heard. In a recent press release, The American Association for Nude Recreation has voiced their support for full-body scanners in airport security. “A trained security professional in a remote monitoring station takes a few seconds discreetly screening passengers to be sure they’re only bringing what nature gave them aboard” says AANR Executive Director Erich Schuttauf. “In exchange for safer skies… it’s completely worth it.”
For many, the situation recalls the classic movie Porky’s in which the protagonists discreetly screen the bodies of high school girls in the shower from their remote monitoring station in the boys’ locker room. Schuttauf’s comments, however, remind us why so many were scandalized by the film: clearly, the boys were not trained security professionals.
Regardless of where you stand on the issue of titties and pee-pees though, we can agree that it’s time to welcome the voice of the nudies into the American political arena. In years past, before such associations existed, one nude fellow on his own might have a hard time being heard, at least for any significant length of time before being dragged away. But today, this brave foray into politics comes to us from the AANR, the most respected of the nude think-tanks. Hopefully, in time we can look forward to hearing from other groups such as the Nude Electricians & Pipefitters Union, the American Association of Nude Riverboat Casino Owners, and the National Association for the Advancement of Nude Colored Persons. Perhaps President Obama, after he has declared martial law and taken the role of Supreme Leader, will in his wisdom see fit to create an Office Of Nude Doings, and appoint and Undersecretary of Nude Affairs.
One hopes we are coming closer to a day in which the nude and the clothed can come together in a sweaty, awkward embrace, then quickly pull away.
In other news, Pat Robertson has recently been quiet about his lifelong crusade against the hokey-pokey, instead turning his attention to the sinners of Haiti. Robertson reminds us of the widely known historical event in which all of Haiti got together and handed their country over to the devil back in 1804, drawing a clear connection between that event and the tragic earthquake which struck them just 206 years later. Of course, it’s hard to imagine a country of nine million people all getting together on anything, but just cast your mind back to the time all us folks in the United States got together and decided Pat Robertson was a hateful douchebag. It was pretty much like that.
Father Droopy Dog has gotten a lot of attention for his revelation, and we should listen to him because apart from being a valued political commentator, he is also a keen predictor of future events. You’ll all recall how he warned us the world would end in 1982. Then it did, and I think I don’t need to remind anyone how bad that sucked. Then, of course, he predicted that great tsunami that destroyed the Pacific Northwest back in in 2006 in retribution for The Kingsmen‘s recording of “Louie, Louie.” Clearly, Robertson has a direct line to the will of God as well as a deep knowledge of Satan‘s inbox. He warns us that our Lord God is a vicious and smitey deity, not to mention a real bitch when it comes to holding a grudge. So we should heed his wisdom when he recommends a “great turning to God”, because you can’t make that shit up. Wait, yes you can.