You must have noticed the obesity crisis by now. Maybe you’ve heard about it in the news or had the embarrassing experience of your spring wardrobe not fitting so well. Perhaps you simply saw how winded the neighbor’s kids look after a round of duck-duck-goose.
Our men in uniform have noticed this as well. As two recently retired US Joint Chiefs of Staff wrote, ‘“Obesity rates threaten the overall health of America and the future strength of our military.” On the bright side, their trigger fingers are working fine due to countless hours sitting on the couch playing “Call of Duty.”
Instead of being all gloom and doom about our nation’s third-graders requiring angioplasty, I have a modest proposal. No, it doesn’t involve using succulent pre-teen flesh to feed the homeless — “leftovers” from the laissez-faire Bush economy.
You see, as an opponent of our wars in Afghanistan and Iraq, I see our burgeoning obesity as a good thing. After all, if Americans are too fat to fight, Congress will have to come up with alternatives to war.
Remember, peace is patriotic. So have that new McDonald’s special. Don’t like McDonald’s? Hell, have that new all-meat sandwich KFC is hawking. You know, the one without the bread. Vegetarian or vegan? Start sucking down some milkshakes (or soy shakes, or whatever floats your boat.) Extra Oreo crumbles and cookie dough, pleeez.
But wait, you’re thinking — won’t the rise in Type 2 Diabetes, heart disease, medication for high cholesterol and blood pressure, and, ultimately, lap bands and gastric bypass surgery, bankrupt our already shaky national health care system? No. The money we’re not spending on futile wars can be used on care for obese Americans.
So have that extra piece of chocolate cake at the next birthday party. The life you save won’t be your own, but it might be an eighteen-year-old soldier’s, or a ten-year-old Iraqi girl’s. And come on: haven’t you always wanted to wear a muumuu and ride in style on one of those motorized carts?