1. I already have an iPhone
What is better than that? I can text, phone, email, browse the web, get GPS directions, etc. etc. etc. It does everything but make toast. I was a little bummed at first that I couldn’t hold a drink AND jerk off while watching porn on it, but then the Right Hand Sally app came out and we were off to the races.
2. Umm… I said, I already have an iPhone.
Have you seen these things? It’s like a goddamn tricorder on peyote. Feel that? That’s my astral form, spacefucking you. I did that with my iPhone.
3. It’s a video phone.
Benefit, my ass. What about all the cowardly shit I’m able to do over my 3G?: call in “sick” to work, break up with someone over voicemail, tell off some asshole, drunk dials, prank calls, the list is endless. That’s why I use the phone, doofus. You can’t buy features like that. And now you’re telling me I’m gonna have to look at the front desk lady at Marshall’s while I try to ask her with a straight face if she can page my friend Mike Hunt? No fucking way.
4. 5 Megapixel camera with flash, HD video recording/editing capability
Okay, it’s not 2000 anymore. Can we finally say the following?: There are just some places that cameras shouldn’t be. That goes double for video. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out that this is gonna result in some breathtakingly depressing celebrity exposés. I can feel it in my bones right now that it’s only gonna be about 7 minutes before I’m forced to look at some up-and-coming spokes-skank’s celebrity cooch IN HD as part of her manager’s new “oopsie” publicity campaign.
This is just an insult, right? Already your iPhone has destroyed my attention span, and now you tell me that I haven’t been multitasking? So what do you call trying to carry on a conversation with my girlfriend over a perfectly lovely dinner while I’m simultaneously fact-checking a Don Knotts filmography on Wikipedia so I can keep my head above water in a breakneck 3-way text argument about Three’s Company? For christ’s sake, I haven’t taken a shit in a solid year without simultaneously updating Facebook. And you’re telling me that’s not multitasking? Now I’ve gotta multitask ON the goddamn phone itself? Fuck you.