Isn’t addiction awesome? The way it destroys your life and the lives of those around you? The way that once it has a toehold in your consciousness, it’s exceptionally hard to not have it define you forever? Ask anyone who’s ever been touched by the ravenous scourge of addiction, and I’m sure they’ll tell you it’s kinda like snack food. Really! Or at least the makers of snack food will.
So I’m having lunch with the lady yesterday and we discovered that both of our snack foods were emblazoned with proud claims about their addictive properties. Hers was an addictive assortment of savory and salty peanut snacks! Mine — a vegan cookie, of all things — was purportedly wonderfully addictive! What’s so blazingly fantastic about something being addictive?
Seems like everyone these days is trumpeting how addictive their product or service is, like it’s the new fried chicken. Sorry, I just had to stop typing there for a sec and run next door to the bodega, shoot the owner in the face and clean out his cash drawer so I could go score the new KFC shamewich. Shit, I said it again. BRB! OK. Back now, bloated, self-loathing and a wanted felon. What was I talking about? Oh yeah. Boy, you know what would go great with this inky blackness of grinding torment? A bag of “totally life-destroying” corn chips!! When you’re addicted to addiction, you just can’t get enough addiction! And oddly enough, the products that could actually back up their claims somehow choose to demur: Marlboro Wonderfully Addictive! Grey Goose Come For The Intoxication, Stay For The Crippling Habit! (Then switch to Ruble Vokda)
It’s so fantastically fashionable to be six kindsa wrong these days. Hotmail‘s latest grasp at relevance is that it’s made for The New Busy. Ads on buses inform me that for a member of The New Busy, this isn’t just a boring old bus, nooo. For The New Busy, it’s an office! Library! Nap room! Getaway car! Waterloo! Orphanage!
What’s so “new” about The New Busy, you might ask? Well, now that they’re through privately destroying their own lives, and they’re totally into destroying your life! Because for The New Busy, their car is their new phone booth! Chatroom! Text hut! Sauna! Chill pad! Gas chamber! The Starbucks is their new message center! Networking hub! Conference room! Sweat lodge! Speed date! Room 101!
You know The New Busy. They’re the ones whose response to any innocent salutation is to grow suddenly wide-eyed and heave a theatrically exaggerated sigh: “busy.” Or perhaps their style is the quizzical, surprised look “whew! busy.” Like it just unexpectedly hit them on the head. Wow man, I’m sorry. Is that the right response? How are you? Oh, you know… hardworking, but generally well-rested and satisfied. Really, dude? Maybe readjust your priorities and jam some miserable in there. After all, as they say: if you’re not outraged, you’re not paying attention!! (ie. Happy? Shame on you, you ignorant shit.)
What’s happened to the Old Busy? You know, Ol’ Gil from “The Simpsons.” He’s out of fashion, love. Apparently, he hasn’t gotten a hold of the new snortable sleep replacement they’re developing at UCLA. I hate to break it to you geniuses, but some colleagues and I already did some deep research into snortable sleep substitutes back in ’98 at a little Puerto Rican bar in Brooklyn. I would direct you there, but I hear it’s been shut down. Anyway, results were awesome brain lightning, followed by the worst 12 hours you can possibly imagine.
I guess the good news about addiction is. . . aw, fuck it, there’s no way to get out of that sentence reasonably. You either die, quit, or live out your days as a pitiful wraith. So will our society ever kick its addiction addiction? You’d certainly need more space on soda cans:
Delicious! Have one, and you won’t want any more for a reasonable length of time until you decide it’s prudent to have another! At which point we fully encourage you to make your choice free of duress!
Sounds awesome. I can’t wait to get hooked on patience and contentment!!