PRINCE DECLARES, “SMARTPHONES ARE OVER”
The Purple One has seen the writing on the wall in the possible recall of iPhone G4s — the smartphone, Prince says, is over. He revealed this insight in an exclusive interview with the Financial Times to promote the packaging of his new album, FUTUREK00L, with every new IBM Selectric typewriter sold in 2010. “It was just a matter of time,” said the pint-sized genius, shaking his head as he got up to change the channel on his TV. “All those little pictures and colors are confusing people’s minds. Eventually we’re all gonna go back to those little phones that were the size of a bar of hand soap. They told the time, had a little calculator in ’em, had the numbers 0 through 9… that’s all you need,” Prince snorted, noting that he wore out the numbers 2 and 4 unusually fast when he texted, requiring him to order a specially modified model.
PRINCE DECLARES, “MICROWAVE OVENS ARE OVER”
His Purpleness leapt out of irrelevance this week and shocked news outlets with an equally irrelevant proclamation — microwave ovens, Prince claims, are over. He revealed this insight in an exclusive interview to promote his new cassette JeHOVaHSeXXFuNKY, which will be distributed with every copy of The Watchtower, the official publication of Jehovah’s Witnesses. “Yeah… they were all the rage for awhile,” said the scarf-bedecked icon, easily slipping his 4-foot frame into the driver’s seat of his custom DeLorean. “But y’know…” he chuckled scornfully, “so was the Rubix Cube.” The Rock Hall Of Fame inductee predicted a faltering of the worldwide fast food industry if they continued to “go nuclear”. “People want their food cooked in real ovens, with heat. All these high-powered rays with their laser cooking gonna bring the Purple Rain, if you know what I’m sayin’.” No one did.
PRINCE DECLARES, “CREDIT DEFAULT SWAPS ARE OVER”
His Purple “Mountains” Majesty made a grand declaration today via ThaFruitedPlains, his home-published commodities tip sheet — credit default swaps, Prince decrees, are over. He revealed this insight in his weekly editorial, $PACEKI$$, along with an announcement that inside the sleeve of his latest long-player, PAIN2HEAR will be hidden five golden tickets. (The tickets, he also revealed, will be discovered by The Jackson Five, who will come live with him in his bouncy-castle home, where they will make music and be best friends forever and ever.) “The age of these complex derivatives is through,” chuckled the Lilliputian funk icon as he settled down to his loom, “People are gonna acknowledge that being long and selling short has an asymmetric risk/reward profile. The mispricing of financial instruments can affect the fundamentals that market prices are supposed to reflect.” He claimed this was all elementary, and could be revealed by long hours of play at an original arcade version of Asteroids!, of which he owns the world’s remaining 37 models.