If you live in America and currently draw breath, you know the country is in some serious straits. We’re out of work, facing dim prospects for economic growth and our towns and cities are literally falling apart. Then there’s the escalation of the culture wars, now starring an emboldened coalition of bigoted Christians, bigoted free market fundamentalists, bigoted hawks, bigoted isolationists and plain ol’ bigots.
About a year ago, Real Americans™ were rudely roused from a long, deep slumber. Imagine you’re having a pleasant dream where easy credit lets you park your Escalade in a exburban McMansion stocked with cheap goods made by exotic people in some faraway land that you will never visit, because the nice lady who cleans your house provides plenty of cultural exposure, thank you very much.
Suddenly, you’re shaken awake by Glenn Beck, who squats on your stomach wearing a red devil costume while poking you in the head with a little plastic pitchfork. “Wake up! Your government has just been taken over by a foreign-born Marxist-Muslim-Communist-Nazi!” the pudgy hobgoblin shrieks. “And he’s black!”
Then your 501K disappears, your husband loses his job at GloboChem and you’re forced to work as a greeter at Wal-Mart. Worse, you’re surrounded by brown people who have taken over several of the foreclosed homes on your block. Every night, robotic mariachi music blares from the property next door as you fret for the future. Whatever is happening to America, you don’t like it. Not one bit.
Only the local megachurch offers sanctuary. But for how long? The menu at the church Applebee’s is already in Spanish and English.
You want to crawl into a safe corner and wait until it all blows over. But Glenn says that’s not an option. You’re taxed into submission! The Constitution is being used to housebreak the Obama’s purebred puppy (it’s probably a French breed)! The Congress just made it so all brown people get free medical care, free college and bottomless refills at Hooters!
Jacked up on anxiety, you begin to congregate with other fear-addicts. The high is even more potent with a group. But it wears off too quickly. You need to maintain. At home, FOX News is now on around the clock. You listen to an audiobook by Sarah Palin while driving to pick up your husband’s unemployment check. The doctor’s office plays Rush Limbaugh as you wait to use your Medicare benefits on “restless leg syndrome,” which, having seen the TV commercial, you’re sure you have.
One afternoon, right before a scheduled rebroadcast of Sean Hannity‘s “Freedom Concert,” you hear the clarion call. Glenn is summoning the True Believers to Washington. Freedom-loving patriots from across the country will descend upon Satan’s City for a historic rally at the Lincoln Memorial on the anniversary of Martin Luther King Jr.‘s “I have a dream” speech!
You had a dream, too. One you’d love to get back to. But you can’t — at least not until the government is back in the hands of conservative, God-fearing men and women who understand that the country’s economic and cultural well-being is best served by massive corporations. They are the ones that create jobs! And they’d do more of it if only Uncle Sam would stop taxing them! Who cares that they’ve already outsourced American productivity to third world countries and have multiple offshore tax shelters. Never mind that they are accelerating planetary climate destabilization. Science is for sissies! Regulation is for socialists! All you need is Glenn and Jesus™ and maybe another Botox treatment. You’ve seen the way your husband looks at that teenage checkout girl at the Gas-N-Go.
Oh, look! Americans for Prosperity are offering bus and hotel packages! Your prayers have been answered!