This is one of those silly Facebook exercises where someone “tags” you, and you come up with a list of favorite whatevers. I got poked by this one a couple of times, and, since it involves the expressing of contempt, I figured I’d give it a go. It was actually kind of fun to take my music critic knives out of the drawer, which have retained something of their former edge.
At the end of the day, all I really care about is that Casey Niccoli — muse extraordinaire and fabled “Classic Girl” of Jane’s Addiction, whose unclothed effigy graced the covers of two of the greatest rock records in history — liked my list. I can now lay these tired bones to rest.
But I’ll stick around just for you.
Bands I Can’t Stand
Some of these are pretty dated. I used to keep a “nut-kicking list” with acts upon whom I would, given the opportunity, inflict testicular trauma. I’ve softened somewhat in my old age, but I still hate their music.
There’s nothing more irritating than people pretending to be enlightened. Ed Kozwhaterverthefuckhisnameis is guilty of that and more. The “more” being an adenoidal singer in a third-rate alternative band. Live’s pseudo-revelatory twaddle belongs in the spiritual supermarket right next to the yoga pants and The Secret audiobook.
2. Soul Asylum
Fugly bastard dated Winona! That’s an unforgivable offense right there. Have you ever listened to the lyrics to “Runaway Train?” So bad it actually causes the part of my brain that processes poetry to seize up. Their music is terrible, too. No, I don’t need to hear about their Midwestern punk days. Shut up and listen to Gun Club, twerps.
3. Collective Soul
Clearly, I carry a lot of residual anger concerning radio rock from around 1992-1998. Collective Soul earns a sizable portion of my outrage. You know this band is worthless by the fact that they haven’t been licensed for a truck commercial more than a decade after their “prime.”
4. Widespread Panic/Government Mule/moe.
Nothing worse than a blue collar jam band. I love the original Allman Brothers, but they had soul, chops and a fuckin’ fire under their asses. These half-assed classic rock noodlers have none of those attributes. And their fans are dumb as rocks (in my experience, anyway).
Worst rock band in history. Annoying on every conceivable level.
6. Ted Nugent
It’s not the politics, but that doesn’t help. It’s the fact that he’s a shitty guitar player and worse songwriter. He drifted in on the fumes of far greater talents, most of whose names the public has never heard. Nuge is like KISS but without the makeup and flash pots. Which is like Courtney Love without the drugs: totally forgettable.
I like the song “Detroit Rock City.” Well, compared to the rest of their catalog, anyway. To all of you fellas in suspended adolescence who still pathetically exalt these greedy no-talents: put the Gene Simmons doll on eBay and help your long-suffering wife get the kids ready for school.
8. James Taylor
Bangs said it best. No need to elaborate.
9. Iron Maiden
If only they’d kept their first singer, that cokehead UK pub punk. This particular wave of NWOBHM never should have never made it to shore.
10. Bruce Springsteen
I actually like a lot of his stuff, but he makes my list just because all of those sycophantic dinguses who can’t seem to understand that, taken in the aggregate, his work is MERELY AVERAGE. At least Dylan can suck profoundly. Bruce is even dull at that.