Celebrity meltdowns aren’t exactly our bailiwick here at at The Contrarian, but sometimes they’re just too epic to ignore. Case in point: Charlie Sheen‘s recent tirade about magic, poetry, pornstars and “Two and a Half Men” creator Chuck Lorre. It’s like Sheen is channeling Dennis Hopper and Marlon Brando in Apocalypse Now (but not his father, which is interesting). Here’s how Hopper’s character in the movie describes Col. Kurtz:
Hey, man, you don’t talk to the Colonel. You listen to him. The man’s enlarged my mind. He’s a poet warrior in the classic sense. I mean sometimes he’ll… uh… well, you’ll say “hello” to him, right? And he’ll just walk right by you. He won’t even notice you. And suddenly he’ll grab you, and he’ll throw you in a corner, and he’ll say, “Do you know that ‘if’ is the middle word in life? If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs and blaming it on you, if you can trust yourself when all men doubt you”… I mean I’m… no, I can’t… I’m a little man, I’m a little man, he’s… he’s a great man! I should have been a pair of ragged claws scuttling across floors of silent seas…
And here’s some highlights from Sheen’s on-air rant, courtesy The Daily Fix:
Let’s go to tape, shall we?
Those of you familiar with Chuck Lorre know that he’s fond of inserting “vanity cards” at the end of his shows. If we’re talking poetry, these missives are it. Here’s his latest, which is surely about Sheen:
To Do List
Re-calibrate the line behind fiction and reality
Meditate using new mantra, “high ratings do not equate to high self-esteem”
Go to Al-Anon meeting
Stand in front of a mirror and practice saying “no comment”
Stand in front of a mirror and practice saying “as far as I know everything’s terrific”
Write a country song entitled, “Hooker in the Closet.” (Chorus: “There’s a hooker in the closet, ‘neath the monogrammed robes, don’t know how she got there and I can’t find my clothes. Officer Krupke, how are you tonight? I’ve misplaced my watch but I’m feeling alright.”) Donate royalties to womens’ shelter
Quit the business and teach creative writing at Cal State Bakersfield. Fresno?
Bite the hand that feeds you because you’ve had more than enough to eat
Hire a publicist to put a positive spin on this vanity card.
I’ve never seen an episode of “Two and a Half Men,” but I can’t wait to watch how this plays out. In the meantime, what happens to Ducky?