I’m not upset or jealous or traumatized that Apple is releasing a new iPad that’s thinner, faster and all-around better. I’m quite familiar with the pride-shame cycle that comes with being a slave to the Cupertino release schedule, and I’m over it. Here are five reasons why the new iPad is meaningless to me. (That is, until I sell a kidney to get one.)
5. I already have an iPad and it is a goddamn miracle of technology
It’s a TV I can touch. It’s a library of books and magazines. It lets me play Scrabble with random strangers. So what if there’s no camera. I have an iPhone. So what if it’s not as slim and thin. I like my technology chunky, just like I like my… peanut butter.
4. I already bought three of the first version
The first one was for me and my wife to share, but I monopolized it and felt guilty. So we got one for her. Then I did an unforgivable, idiotic thing and left mine in a random taxicab. It was like losing a limb, so I bought a replacement, knowing full well that there was another version coming. (This is what addiction looks like.) Ultimately, the cab driver managed to locate me and return my original device, and I sold it on eBay. Suffice it to say, that’s enough iPad-related transactions to last me through the calendar year.
3. I hate Garage Band, etc.
I’m a snobby music producer who bristles at the idea of more amateurs creating crap songs with off-the-shelf software and apps. And yes, I’m including Damon Albarn (although I like Blur just fine). Albums should not be made on tech the size of a dinner plate. They should be produced by men with moustaches and bellbottoms in proper wood-paneled coke dens studios.
2. Steve Jobs will only spend the money on a new pancreas
Just kidding. Get well soon, Steve.
1. A cartoon told me not to
This comic at The Oatmeal lays bare the horrors of Apple product addiction. It’s like Charlie Sheen but without the WINNING.