It’s officially the unofficial start of summer! If you watch your local news, you know this is an extremely confusing time for Americans. We have no idea how to comport ourselves after the third week in May. Your local ActionCast FactCopter team is editing their twelfth summer safety tips segment of the week at this very second.
And just in time. For without these segments, how would we know not to eat raw chicken marinated in sun-ripened mayonnaise while diving head-first into a shallow 39-degree lake? And they always provide the most wonderful traffic tips. “Give yourself extra time.” Wait, I can create time? Like some kind of god? I have god powers? JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE, COME TO MY APARTMENT. THE TIME-GOD COMMANDS YOU. Damn. Okay, no. I’m not some kind of god.
And neither are you, probably. So you will need these summer safety tips, unless you want to die of Summer Confusion. Upwards of one American(s) per year dies of Summer Confusion. Don’t become a fake statistic.
Sunscreen. Always wear sunscreen. Especially at night. I know there is no sun at night, but there are ghosts. Sunscreen makes you invisible to most ghosts, such as creepy-ass little kids who want to tell you who murdered them, and lonely Victorian people sexily twirling their parasols at you going “Yooo hooo!” like weirdos. The higher the SPF (Spook Protection Factor), the better the results.
The ocean. Swimming in the ocean can be a great way to unwind after a long night of ghosts. But the sea is a dangerous place, filled with Jawses and Jaws Twos, garbage from unlicensed human-animal hybrid experiment clinics, and the tears of whales who are sad because you often forget to recycle. The best way to confront sea danger is to find one of the Jawses and ride around on its back. Sharks are the cops of the ocean. Go on a ride-along and you will be safest jerk in the whole ocean. He might even let you arrest someone! In this cop/shark metaphor, “arrest” means “eat.” Which reminds me…
Food safety. Did you know that 20 percent of all foods are actively out to get you? Potatoes, for example, are very rude. It’s not fatal or anything, but it’s downright annoying when you are preparing Grandmother’s Kind of Weird Potato Salad That Contains Meat For No Clear Reason, and one of the spuds is like “Nice job. Where’d you learn to cook, Airplane Food School?” Asshole! Most starchy vegetables are rude in the style of late-’80s standup comics. They are impervious to irony. But not knives. So you will have the last laugh. But be sure not to eat too much. Why?
You are fat. Look in the mirror. Are you a man? Congratulations! You are awesome and perfect just the way you are. Go enjoy the hot weather and howl at girls. You are the star of your own Jimmy Buffett song. You are that guy from Sublime, only not dead. Hop into some enormous cargo shorts and stuff those banana-bunch feet into dad sandals and fucking work it. Are you a woman? Uh oh! You’re too fat. Unless you’re too skinny. Either way, you’re too fat. What you should do is immediately change your body type. Not by exercising. Only women who are already fit (but not too muscular, because that baffles men in the cargo-shorted area) are allowed to exercise in public. Just make it happen. Get perfect. I hear reading cruel comments on the internet works wonders, so here’s one to get you started: hahaha your a fat looser beach wale lol hahaha. Hope that helps!
The three Rs. If you remember nothing else in your entire life because you have some sort of remembering disorder, remember the three Rs, and you will have the safest summer ever.
1. Rules. Follow every tip you hear on the news, especially the ones based on studies funded by large corporations where the results encourage use of their products. Rules are the foundation of fun. You can’t spell fun without rules (the rules of spelling.)
2. Remembering. Remember that remembering disorder I just mentioned? Me neither. I think I have it.
3. Rules. Follow every…wait, did I do this one already? I feel like I did this one already.
Have a safe summer, everyone! Hope it goes SWIMMINGLY. Hope you have a WHALE of a time. Hope MY SOPHISTICATED WORDPLAY IS NOT LOST ON YOU.