Aries (March 21-April 20)
You know what they say: There’s no time like the present. Better get going with that big taxidermy project now, before you completely lose your nerve.
Taurus (April 21-May 20)
That Manhattan you’ve been thinking about all day might be just the thing. But you should try it with Canadian whiskey this time. You’re welcome.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Time to lay low for a bit. Remember how you used to like playing ‘fort’ with the couch cushions? Yeah. It’s fort time.
Cancer (June 21-July 21)
If you keep picking at it, you’re only going to make it worse. I’m just saying. No really, stop it.
Leo (July 22-Aug. 21)
Well congratulations! Everyone pretty much thinks you’re as awesome as you suspected. But next time you should pick up the tab.
Virgo (Aug. 22-Sept. 21)
Give it some more time. I know you’re really impatient, but a watched pot doesn’t grow legs and develop sentience overnight. Also you have to leave some really funky stuff in it.
Libra (Sept. 22-Oct. 21)
You should probably just not leave your bathroom for about a month. We both know why.
Scorpio (Oct. 22-Nov. 21)
We get it, you’re really intense and ‘different’ — the rest of us still appreciate a heads up before you creatively destroy our everyday lives for your art.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
That dog you saw last Tuesday has the soul of your great uncle, and he was trying to tell you something. Learn to understand his beautiful new language.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 20)
Hang in there, champ. Everything is falling into place. Soon they’ll be eating out of your hand. Just don’t freak out if you still don’t get exact change.
Aquarius (Jan. 21-Feb. 19)
You have some mighty grand ideas, some of which aren’t even crazy. Figure out which ones those are and totally go for it.
Pisces (Feb. 20-March 20)
Whoa, calm down. Don’t do anything rash. You’ll feel much better after you re-read the Harry Potter series.