Who has seen the wind?

Neither I nor you.

But when the leaves hang trembling,

The wind is passing through.

Who has seen the wind?

Neither you nor I.

But when the trees bow down their heads,

The wind is passing by.

~ Joanna Kantharia

Celebrity meltdowns aren’t exactly our bailiwick here at at The Contrarian, but sometimes they’re just too epic to ignore. Case in point: Charlie Sheen‘s recent tirade about magic, poetry, pornstars and “Two and a Half Men” creator Chuck Lorre. It’s like Sheen is channeling Dennis Hopper and Marlon Brando in Apocalypse Now (but not his father, which is interesting). Here’s how Hopper’s character in the movie describes Col. Kurtz:

Hey, man, you don’t talk to the Colonel. You listen to him. The man’s enlarged my mind. He’s a poet warrior in the classic sense. I mean sometimes he’ll… uh… well, you’ll say “hello” to him, right? And he’ll just walk right by you. He won’t even notice you. And suddenly he’ll grab you, and he’ll throw you in a corner, and he’ll say, “Do you know that ‘if’ is the middle word in life? If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs and blaming it on you, if you can trust yourself when all men doubt you”… I mean I’m… no, I can’t… I’m a little man, I’m a little man, he’s… he’s a great man! I should have been a pair of ragged claws scuttling across floors of silent seas…

And here’s some highlights from Sheen’s on-air rant, courtesy The Daily Fix:

• Charlie said he doesn’t care if his show gets canceled because, “I’ll go make movies with superstars and not work with idiots.”
• He called Alcoholics Anonymous a “cult” and a “bunch of losers” who are “brainwashing his family.” “[AA] is vintage, it’s outdated, it’s stupid and it’s worshiped by stupid people and it is their fault,” he continued. “Step up and change it, change it right now. Look your father in the eye and say, ‘You’re wrong, I’m different I’m better, watch me, watch me bury you.’” Charlie added, “I have a disease? Bullshit! I cured it … with my mind.”
• On his harem of pornstars: “Let me just say this about the goddesses. I don’t think the term is good enough. But when you’re bound by these terrestrial descriptions you must use the best choice available”
• On his recent state of mind: “I’m sorry, man, but I’ve got magic. I’ve got poetry in my fingertips. Most of the time – and this includes naps – I’m an F-18, bro. And I will destroy you in the air. I will deploy my ordinance to the ground.”
• Thomas Jefferson was a pussy (not actually in the video below, but he said it out of the blue in the full interview)

Let’s go to tape, shall we?

www.youtube.com/watch?v=h4Iz0p0E_RY

Those of you familiar with Chuck Lorre know that he’s fond of inserting “vanity cards” at the end of his shows. If we’re talking poetry, these missives are it. Here’s his latest, which is surely about Sheen:

To Do List

Re-calibrate the line behind fiction and reality

Meditate using new mantra, “high ratings do not equate to high self-esteem”

Go to Al-Anon meeting

Stand in front of a mirror and practice saying “no comment”

Stand in front of a mirror and practice saying “as far as I know everything’s terrific”

Write a country song entitled, “Hooker in the Closet.” (Chorus: “There’s a hooker in the closet, ‘neath the monogrammed robes, don’t know how she got there and I can’t find my clothes. Officer Krupke, how are you tonight? I’ve misplaced my watch but I’m feeling alright.”) Donate royalties to womens’ shelter

Quit the business and teach creative writing at Cal State Bakersfield. Fresno?

Bite the hand that feeds you because you’ve had more than enough to eat

Hire a publicist to put a positive spin on this vanity card.

I’ve never seen an episode of “Two and a Half Men,” but I can’t wait to watch how this plays out. In the meantime, what happens to Ducky?

Two thirty-something men who had once held out hopes of becoming pop stars have, through the agency of their influential and strong-willed landlady, come to relinquish these hopes and indeed all thought of aesthetics, in favor of the trade and occupation of housekeeping, which has become the sole focus of their undisciplined but inventive attentions. Because they remain at a loss as to how to support themselves through a profession, they even discuss going into a housekeeping business together, having arrived at strong opinions about all issues involving domestic governance — and a great source of humor throughout the many episodes will be that they approach their household chores with approximately the same egotism and dilettantism that they once did as rock musicians, and are forever quarreling and finding fault with each other’s distinctive housekeeping quirks. In the first episode, for instance, we find them arguing about where the bottle of handsoap should be placed, by the sink or in the shower… and all of this will be comical because, from their minor disagreements about everyday issues, extreme prejudices and deeply felt grudges, long hidden, will be revealed.

The most mysterious element of the sitcom is to be the landlady’s relationship to the two men, which at once seems sexual, and then maternal — and now again, the men seem to exist in a kind of servitude toward her, as if in repayment for some ancient and ultimately not-repayable debt; an element of the relationship which lends to the general levity of the show the faintest suggestion that in fact a weighty new form of feminism is here being discussed. The woman (this all occurs on an isolated ranch in the deserts of New Mexico) is one of those weird affluent liberal Southwestern types — an art-lover, she is characterized by an airy flightiness which is meant to conceal the strength and severity of her will — and will sometimes walk around naked just because she knows “the boys” are afraid to see it. Other characters include: Marshal Calm, the estate’s handyman; Coolie and Festa Fruitie, their nearest neighbors; and Sgt. Tom Jeb Jackson of The New Mexico State Highway Patrol, who has taken a liking to the landlady, but has no tolerance for these two “boys” who can not be made to act like men.

There will also be irregular appearances by: Dick Drew, a cattle Rancher and the landlady’s nephew (he has an illness); Yankie, an octogenarian survivalist who lives someplace on the property and will occasionally pop in to see “if everything’s alright”; and finally,  there is the landlady’s husband, a mysterious figure, reportedly dead, but about whom many legends abound. The mere thought of him fills “the boys” with dread.

We’re thinking NBC. They could use a hit.

“Is the purpose of a wall to keep things out, or in, do you think?” she asked,

her hair backwards in the wind.

“Enough with the questions,” I said,

and kissed her while I had the chance.

1. Hilarious/compelling concept

2. Concept is infinitely repeatable

3. Content is easy to produce.

I came up with these rules off the top of my head, but I still think they’re valid. Interesting that The Contrarian doesn’t quite hit the mark. Delancey’s new site, Stairway to Poetry, nails all three.

The concept couldn’t be simpler, but it’s definitely got legs: “an algorithmic approach to poetry composition using classic rock lyrics and Google translator.” Fucking. Awesome.

Here’s the AC/DC classic “Back in Black,” translated thusly:

English->Hebrew->Lithuanian ->Welsh->Vietnamese->Spanish->Swahili->Finnish->Japanese->English

Back in black
I go to sleep
I am a long time, I’m very excited again
Well, the opening
Link
I still keep it
I keep looking at the sky
It is not so,
Forgot your funeral, even for the dead
My nine lives
Cat
Using the behavior of wild

I’m back
Yes, I’m back
Well, I’m back
Yes, I’m back
Well, I go back, come back
(Yes) I’m black again
Well, I’m black

Back
Cadillac
Coup, called
Yes, I am an explosion
Gang
When I persisted, they caught me
Is again the way I am,
I head
Nobody is going to rap
Look at me now
I’m playing now
Do not push your luck. To my way

I’m back
Yes, I’m back
Well, I’m back
Yes, I’m back
Well I go back, come back
(Yes) I’m black again
Well, I’m black

Well, I have Yes, I’m back
Well, I have Yes, I’m back
So I go back, come back
I’m black again
I’m black again

Hooo yes
Oh well
Yes, it is
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, right
Now back to the top
So, I repeat, I repeat,
Back
Back
Back
Back
Back
Back in black
I’m black again

———————————

Wow, huh? The Powers of Dorkness compel you to bookmark and/or RSS this site post-haste!

I hereby declare “Cellz” the official song of the BP disastrophe. DOOM, with a little help from ol’ Charles Bukowski.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=GKum7WWeq0Y

Other nominees? Submit ‘em in the comments.

But as the boss, I refuse to be outdone. Which is why I whipped up my own video featuring our Commander in Chief prepping for a very special Tea Party. It’s probably not as good as Neil’s, but I think it’s still pretty fun. Check it out:

Here is a heartwarming photo project, made possible by the blog era. Everyone make art!

Musicians comment about the new heath care bill. I found Franz Nicolay‘s comments to be very relevant to my own life as a freelance artist. Lord help us.

Side note: I just wanted to mention that this video is extremely gay. And not in the “I’m-going-to-give-you-a-wedgie-you-can-use-for-earmuffs” kind of way, but a “this-video-has-a-penis-and-may-have-interest-in-touching-your-video’s-penis” kind of way. Particularly if your video happens to be wearing assless chaps. I mean super gay. Even for George Michael. It’s awesome.

W.A.G.E., meanwhile, offers information and support for artists who are tired (and hungry) of not getting paid to make the world more interesting. Musicians should pay attention to this, because fine art usually is a little ahead of the curve conceptually — in this case, in the practice of fucking over the creative element.

Working Class Magazine is a great little upstart out of the Lower East Side. I find it very personable and sophisticated at the same time. Keep up the good work, guys.

Meanwhile in Brooklyn, Ry Pepper lends her circumspect eye to arts and crafts reporting in her blog, Arts and Dafts. It’s anecdotal, practical, and warm-hearted. Very nice indeed.

If you want to remember how basic is the need for humans to participate in acts of beauty, you may want to refer to this report from the UK’s Daily Mail to witness what may be the oldest living artistic genre known to man. It will take your breath away, I imagine.

I know that this here love letter sure did it for me. My Beloved, you are the apogee of enchantment.

…But this guy ain’t no chopped liver.

Much Love, y’all.

If you asked me to,

I would build a machine

To blow up the sun.

Though that would be a pretty fucked up thing to ask for,

And maybe I would wisen up,

And wouldn’t love you anymore.

Hello lovelies!

While you may be used to seeing kids around Halloween raising funds for UNICEF, this year for Valentine’s Day, please consider sending your loved ones the fruits of my picture-making labors to support needy children around the world. UNICEF is an organization which has helped countless women and children stricken by poverty, famine, and disaster, and in the wake of the horrific earthquakes in Haiti, they need our help more than ever.

I have created a PDF book called “Epistle: Love Letters to the Visual Environment.” It is a collection of eight pages from my collage book, all along the themes of romance, sweetness, delight, and whole-heartedness. Volume One is called “Doo-Wop,” and is appropriate for anyone who likes jukeboxes.

A PayPal donation can be made here:

http://nortonanalog.blogspot.com/2010/02/valentines-day-fundraiser-for-unicef.html

Please donate $5 or more, and your loved one will receive a link to download this PDF book in their inbox on Valentine’s Day, knowing that your affection for them has been forwarded to children in need. 80% of all proceeds will go directly to UNICEF.

Send me a request at nortonanalog@gmail.com. Include your e-mail address, the recipient’s e-mail address, and, if you wish, a personal greeting of up to 100 characters (leave blank if you wish to remain a secret admirer!).

For more information about UNICEF, visit the link below:

http://www.unicef.org/