Well, he’s back and I’ve got nothing. Not because I’m lazy or devoid of ideas, but because during his time abroad I started the Masters of Education program at Georgia State University. It’s not that the work is difficult, but it’s certainly time-consuming. Currently my penis-envy sized desk is buried in mountains of books, articles and other texts, framed by a “due date” list that requires an extension to my new dry-erase board.

So, dear readers, I give you one of my first response critiques for my graduate’s degree — specifically my EPSF 7110  course. It’s for my Multicultural Education and Society class and asks for me to evaluate and interpret a song that reflects the feelings of modern teenage students. I chose “I Don’t Like Mondays” by the Boomtown Rats and was shocked to learn that the story of the song’s origin come from my own university’s radio station!

Oh, and keep those Contrarian paychecks coming, please. They help cover my weekly whiskey bills.

——

Christopher S. Parizo

Song Lyrics and Society

EPSF 7110

June 25, 2011

“The computer chip inside her head gets switched to overload / and nobody’s going to go to school today, she’s going to make them stay at home.” With these opening lyrics, Sir Bob Geldoff of 1980s New Wave stalwarts the Boomtown Rats, begins the tale of a teenage female murderer.

Geldoff wrote the song while sitting in the radio station at Georgia State University in 1979. A telex machine printed the story of a 16-year-old student in San Diego named Brenda Ann Spencer, who openly fired a handgun at an elementary school, killing two children and wounding nine. The event marked one of the first school shootings in American history. But it wasn’t the tragic events that sparked Geldoff’s imagination, but rather the apathetic response Spencer gave to police and reporters when asked why she committed such a heinous crime: “Tell me why! / I don’t like Mondays.” This exchange is repeated throughout the song’s chorus.

Although the Boomtown Rats had a good deal of success overseas, “I Don’t Like Mondays” was the sole American hit for Geldoff and the band, only reaching #73 on the Billboard charts. Despite the song’s relative lack of U.S. impact, it has regularly featured in American media, such as in episodes of “The West Wing,” “House MD” and the movie The Breakfast Club.

The song’s speaker blames a technological flaw within the shooter herself (she happens to have a computer in her head instead of a brain). Beyond this device, the song’s lyrics describe a shift towards apathy that critics of American youth have trumpeted for generations. This is based on a common observation that the more society moves away from organic, human connections and towards technology, the greater distanced we are from human emotion. Geldoff himself comments on the irony of this in the song’s second verse by stating how the news came to him: “The telex machine is kept so clean as it types to a waiting world / And mother feels so shocked, father’s world is rocked and their thoughts turn to their own little girl.” Here, Geldoff imagines the response of the shooter’s parents, having heard the same news via the same cold telex message.

Geldoff continues his search for meaning in apathy with the third verse, which describes the schoolyard following the shooting. Geldoff writes, “All the playing’s stopped in the playground now / She wants to play with her toys a while / And school’s out early and soon we’ll be learning and the lesson today is how to die.” Geldoff tells us here that there is no ultimate truth to be drawn, no moral compass to be re-calibrated — the violence is merely random. This is reinforced in the song’s close, which concerns the thoughts of the police captain who takes the shooter away: “… the problems [with] the how’s and why’s / And he can see no reasons because there are no reasons. What reason do you need to die?”

Ultimately, “I Don’t Like Mondays” concludes “there is no reason to be shown.” Geldoff follows this logic by not explicitly stating the cause of teenage apathy; the listener needs to draw their own conclusions. Nor do the lyrics depict the actual school shooting. We do not get a retelling of the events of the tragedy, only the emotional reactions (and lack thereof) to the events. Still, Geldoff does hint at the cause in his references to our modern world. We live in a technologically-oriented culture of computer chips and telex machines — or websites and text messages — and each expression that employs these technologies becomes severed from its emotional tether. When the “human” aspects of human communication are replaced or superseded, it engenders apathy, which makes violence easier. Deeper meaning is eclipsed by the mode of transmission; the ultimate reasons behind violence are forever obscured by easy catchphrases and purely mechanical interactions.

I’m a busy guy, and my job requires me to think about some big hairy subjects (like how copyright might coexist with the giant photocopier that is the internet). Subsequently, my intellectual output in other areas is limited. But that doesn’t stop me from having ideas. The genius switch is permanently fixed in the ON position.

Here are a handful of mind grapes I’d love mash into brain wine if I only had the time.

Dichotomies of Evil: The Cosmology of Ronnie James Dio
This would be an academic overview of the mythological/metaphorical writings of the late metal vocalist Ronnie James Dio, whose peculiar — and often self-contradictory — prose is fertile ground for interpretation and analysis. “We’re a ship without a storm / The cold without the warm / Light inside the darkness that it needs, yeah.” Step aside, Chaucer, there’s a new bard in town.

“Pulling Out:  A Comparative Study of Post-Occupation Statescraft and Coitus Interruptus”
Just gathering the data.

A Bronzepunk Manifesto
This book will make the case for reviving the aesthetics of the ideogramic era, from Sumer to Anatolia. You can’t think outside the box until you INVENT BOXES.

“Comedy as Foreign Policy Wedge in the Post-Yakov Smirnoff Era”
Pretty self-explanatory.

“High Functioning Autism in the Realm of the Non-Arithmetic”
Not everyone on the autism spectrum is good at math. This essay, suitable for publication in any number of medical or psychology journals, will examine the origins of the misperception while describing a broader range of facilities and deficits experienced by those with this neuroatypicality.

Libertarianism is a Social Disease
A short tract on the virulent spread of this political “philosophy,” with practical examples on how to protect against infection and limit its spread.

“Aaron Sorkin is a Pox on Humankind”
Do I really need to write this?

“Privacy: Irrelevant or Utterly Irrelevant?”
This article will examine all the reasons why efforts to curtail data-mining technologies are doomed. Whether you’re a repressive government keeping tabs on your public’s every move, or a megacorp hellbent on increasing shareholder returns, there is little incentive to cling to archaic notions of privacy. Sure, some policymakers will try. And they will fail.

The Cases of “Night Court”
A compendium of the most significant rulings by Judge Harold T. “Harry” Stone, with historic and contemporary legal analysis.

Not Fat, Just Just Big-Souled: A Foodie’s Guide to Megachurch Eateries
From Starbucks to Applebee’s, faith is big business for chain restaurateurs. This is the first comprehensive guide to getting the most out of your megachurch dining experience. Physical edition comes with coupons and a temporary tattoo of Jesus riding a dinosaur.

Rename next Wednesday “Wowsday” and really make a point of kicking out the jams.

Cars should be rubber.

Is there a way to use the word “branding” that will not bring the apocalypse closer? Investigate.

Something called a “beer slide” could be amazing.

Convincing well-intentioned college girls to have unprotected, no-strings sex because it would supposedly help end the war in Vietnam is such a fiendishly opportunistic boondoggle it sounds like it was dreamed up by the Rand Corporation.

Something with lasers.

If all creationists were exterminated, would nature evolve them back into the population? File under “thought experiment,” mark for further study.

Come up with reason to have press conference.

Resolve to hug 100 Muslims every July 4th.

Come up with next year’s “something is the new other thing,” apply for patent for the first thing.

Run for office. Run from office. Create yearly 5k fun run based on either idea (charity optional). (Side note to self: schedule regular exercise regimen.)

Experiment where I carry a guitar around my neck 24/7 like those burnouts on the beach, try it for a week, see if it results in better or worse songs.

Another cup of coffee would be a great idea. Rewards! Always a great motivator. (Good job, me.)

Something with injection molding? Possibly synergize with laser idea.*

Gentlemen’s club, but require patrons to dress like real late-19th century gentlemen. Monocle, cape or spats: must have at least one.

Take muffin flavors outside the box with new “art muffin” shop that features grass ‘n’ gravel muffins, double-chocolate nickel muffins (with real nickels). Flagship product could be Alarm Clock muffin with fully functioning alarm clock baked inside.

Brainstorm ways to popularize my phrase “They’re going to the zoo at two, and all their friends will go there too,” as a way to teach correct spelling of they’re/their/there and too/two/to. Incorporate some more commonly misspelled words, extend into a poem/song/musical about spelling.

There are people outside my house with guns who want to kill me.

*note: injection-molded laser-based security system

“You know, not exactly forgotten,” said Graeme Ryder, PhD making air-quotes with his fingers in a press conference Monday, “We’re just kinda saying that these days it seems like the original meaning has been, like… literally forgotten, you know?”

“Of course,” Ryder assured the audience with a chuckle, “we all still totally know what the word means.” However, when pressed by reporters on the actual meaning, Ryder appeared literally brain-dead. “It kinda means ‘really’…” he said, his voice modulating upward as if asking a question, “but just sort of… different, you know? Like, extra-really. Stronger somehow.” He assured reporters that his organization was looking into it, with books and things.

Monday’s announcement from the EWSI has literally set the academic world ablaze with real flames, like, literally licking up the sides of it. “I’m stunned. It’s like I literally have no idea what is happening,” said an incredulous Linda Snell, head of  the English Studies department at Harvard and literally the queen of these kinds of things, like with an actual crown and everything. “It’s like I’m hearing the words, but they’re literally going in one of my ears, out the other and boom, falling right onto the floor. I, no shit, literally want to die right now. Like lie down on the floor of my office and literally die.”

Outside of academia however, the announcement was met with a resounding whatever. “Yeah, I heard something about it on the news,” said Alice Aldridge, 23, of St. Cloud, MN. “I couldn’t believe how serious they sounded and stuff! It was literally like a bomb had dropped or something.” Asked if a bomb had dropped, Ms. Larkin’s eyes literally popped out of her skull and she proceed to literally laugh her head off, like plop, clean off of her body. “No you idiot, a bomb didn’t, like, drop on anyone!” she scoffed, giving this reporter a playful shove. “What are you, stupid?! I said it was literally like a bomb had dropped.”

www.youtube.com/watch?v=q4uDQHAEASU

For more, please follow @meganamram on Twitter.

[disclaimer: Neil Cleary is neither stationed in Austin nor covering SXSW for The Contrarian or any other publication. He is indoors in Los Angeles and should probably be left alone.]

Sheepish Barista

A Sentence Is Our Band Name

The Jester McRainbowpants Facepunch Accident

Canadian Yelp Cult

Bangs and Handjobs

Beardy Num-Num and his Danish Girlfriend Trip Balls

The Formerly Significant (reunion tour)

Mascara Holocaust

Hank Williams the XIV

The BBQ Bartenders

Hello Pussy

Skoal Miner’s Daughter

Kickstarter & The Pity Party

Our Drummer is Forty

Captain Keytar & Smoke Machines

Ma-Sheen

Beards ‘n’ Beards

Haggard Allman

Zap Howdy, The South Austin Annoyance

Awsum Kassettes

Bannnnd

James Earl Ray Parker Jr.

The Chicks Too! Showcase

We Are From Sweden

Tattoo Clambake and the Greasemonkey Dayjobs

Shit Zeppelin

Drunk Janitors & Soundguys Local 118

Cedric The Entertainer

@NASA vs. Neil

Wed Mar 2 02:27:36 2011
Mission Control woke up the crews at 5:24 am EST to begin Flight Day 7. “Speed of Sound” by Coldplay was played for shuttle Pilot Eric Boe.

Cats demanding breakfast with loud meows, scratching at door began 05:45 PST. Song in head is inexplicably Billy Ocean’s “Caribbean Queen”.

Wed Mar 2 03:29:20 2011
Spacewalk begins at 10:18a ET – preps underway now on NASA TV & http://www.nasa.gov/ntv

Rent past due. Post office closes at 17:30 PST, so early breakfast is a must. An unexpected Staples run for envelopes will make timing tight.

Wed Mar 2 04:34:53 2011
@antoinehl Spacewalkers breathe pure oxygen before they go outside to help purge nitrogen from their blood – prevents the bends.

@antoinehl Unclear why a daily visit to an expensive coffee shop brimming with L.A. douchebags is required — research is ongoing.

Wed Mar 2 05:40:18 2011
Crew members inside the station’s Quest airlock are troubleshooting a minor leak in Steve Bowen’s spacesuit. Bowen is in no danger.

Unscheduled stop at an intersection deciding whether to participate in the trending topic #teamsheen. Other motorists will get over it.

Wed Mar 2 06:02:47 2011
Astronauts are only 15 minutes behind schedule and the spacewalk still could begin on time at 10:18 am EST

“Caribbean Queen” earworm still persists. Attempting mindhack by freestyle rapping under breath, introducing other Billy Ocean singles.

Wed Mar 2 09:17:32 2011
Riding atop the station’s robotic arm, Steve Bowen retrieved a lightweight adapter plate assembly from outside the Columbus module.

Finally seated at desk at 13:17 PST, a comprehensive review of Facebook updates has begun. Commenting begins, is debated, curtailed.

Wed Mar 2 10:29:25 2011
Alvin Drew removed insulation from the avionics assembly on the ELC-4 and moved a sunshade away from the lens of a video camera near ELC-4.

Friend has called. 20 min chat re: True Grit, microphones, recent divorces. Phone call w/ parents considered, postponed. Scan boingboing.net

Wed Mar 2 13:48:28 2011
Spacewalkers are wrapping up today’s spacewalk — they’re back inside the hatch.

Severe onset of “4 o’clock shame” syndrome. Work furiously engaged in. Bolt into kitchen for snack break, run back. Cats confused.

Wed Mar 2 14:11:30 2011
This was the 155th spacewalk supporting station assembly & maintenance, totaling 973 hours, 53 minutes, equal to 40 full days of spacewalks.

GF returns from job. Dinner, beers. Larry Sanders SE1 discovered on Netflix. Awake again 03:41 PST, read @robdelaney tweets til 04:12 PST, sleep.

Celebrity meltdowns aren’t exactly our bailiwick here at at The Contrarian, but sometimes they’re just too epic to ignore. Case in point: Charlie Sheen‘s recent tirade about magic, poetry, pornstars and “Two and a Half Men” creator Chuck Lorre. It’s like Sheen is channeling Dennis Hopper and Marlon Brando in Apocalypse Now (but not his father, which is interesting). Here’s how Hopper’s character in the movie describes Col. Kurtz:

Hey, man, you don’t talk to the Colonel. You listen to him. The man’s enlarged my mind. He’s a poet warrior in the classic sense. I mean sometimes he’ll… uh… well, you’ll say “hello” to him, right? And he’ll just walk right by you. He won’t even notice you. And suddenly he’ll grab you, and he’ll throw you in a corner, and he’ll say, “Do you know that ‘if’ is the middle word in life? If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs and blaming it on you, if you can trust yourself when all men doubt you”… I mean I’m… no, I can’t… I’m a little man, I’m a little man, he’s… he’s a great man! I should have been a pair of ragged claws scuttling across floors of silent seas…

And here’s some highlights from Sheen’s on-air rant, courtesy The Daily Fix:

• Charlie said he doesn’t care if his show gets canceled because, “I’ll go make movies with superstars and not work with idiots.”
• He called Alcoholics Anonymous a “cult” and a “bunch of losers” who are “brainwashing his family.” “[AA] is vintage, it’s outdated, it’s stupid and it’s worshiped by stupid people and it is their fault,” he continued. “Step up and change it, change it right now. Look your father in the eye and say, ‘You’re wrong, I’m different I’m better, watch me, watch me bury you.’” Charlie added, “I have a disease? Bullshit! I cured it … with my mind.”
• On his harem of pornstars: “Let me just say this about the goddesses. I don’t think the term is good enough. But when you’re bound by these terrestrial descriptions you must use the best choice available”
• On his recent state of mind: “I’m sorry, man, but I’ve got magic. I’ve got poetry in my fingertips. Most of the time – and this includes naps – I’m an F-18, bro. And I will destroy you in the air. I will deploy my ordinance to the ground.”
• Thomas Jefferson was a pussy (not actually in the video below, but he said it out of the blue in the full interview)

Let’s go to tape, shall we?

www.youtube.com/watch?v=h4Iz0p0E_RY

Those of you familiar with Chuck Lorre know that he’s fond of inserting “vanity cards” at the end of his shows. If we’re talking poetry, these missives are it. Here’s his latest, which is surely about Sheen:

To Do List

Re-calibrate the line behind fiction and reality

Meditate using new mantra, “high ratings do not equate to high self-esteem”

Go to Al-Anon meeting

Stand in front of a mirror and practice saying “no comment”

Stand in front of a mirror and practice saying “as far as I know everything’s terrific”

Write a country song entitled, “Hooker in the Closet.” (Chorus: “There’s a hooker in the closet, ‘neath the monogrammed robes, don’t know how she got there and I can’t find my clothes. Officer Krupke, how are you tonight? I’ve misplaced my watch but I’m feeling alright.”) Donate royalties to womens’ shelter

Quit the business and teach creative writing at Cal State Bakersfield. Fresno?

Bite the hand that feeds you because you’ve had more than enough to eat

Hire a publicist to put a positive spin on this vanity card.

I’ve never seen an episode of “Two and a Half Men,” but I can’t wait to watch how this plays out. In the meantime, what happens to Ducky?

As you were.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=dcXp53Dk48Y

Also excellent is this bizarre Scandinavian video featuring a shocking array of American stars singing “Let it Be” for no discernible reason. It doesn’t have anything to do with the holidays, but it is plenty merry:

www.youtube.com/watch?v=mZkdLrTQtoY

As you were.