2012 is the year that the internet became a political force. What took so long? Well, the majority of us have surely been distracted by LOLcats and pr0nz.

Full disclosure: I work on issues at the intersection of technology, copyright and policy. In recent months, I’ve been able to observe firsthand the impact of internet-powered social movements. To wit: the unprecedented outrage around the Stop Online Piracy Act (SOPA) and PROTECT-IP (PIPA) stopped either bill from becoming law — something many in Congress assumed was a fait accompli.

Then there’s the immense pressure brought on Susan G. Komen for the Cure after the organization pulled funding to Planned Parenthood. The swift disapproval — again, largely web-driven — was so intense that Komen’s VP is now stepping down.

The “bitroots” blowback is hardly limited to the US. Public demonstrations are currently taking place in the EU over ACTA, an international intellectual property agreement that some think goes too far. Protests have spilled into the streets, with more than 20,000 people participating in Poland alone. But the real engine of dissent is online.

Powerful as this new form of protest is, it’s hardly perfect. Oversimplifications are common, which is to be expected when complex policy matters are condensed into viral action items. Still, there is one clear takeaway: the world’s netizens will no longer lay back while decisions are made that impact their lives, online and otherwise.

From my experience, I can say that the anti-SOPA/PIPA movement was broad and remarkably diffuse. Internet users are now stakeholders, and they have countless ways to share information and amplify their voices. And, although it would be incorrect to call them a monolithic group, they are perfectly capable of representing their own self-interests when push comes to shove.

It’s unfair to characterize the SOPA/PIPA skirmish as one between Hollywood and Silicon Valley (read: Google). While some major tech companies were certainly involved, most of the push happened at the netroots level. I’d say it went down something like this:

1. Tumblr saw the liabilities they’d face under this overly-broad legislation and independently decided to black out their pages in protest. This woke a lot of folks up right quick.
2. The Reddit community started paying attention, and more people became very well-informed on the issue (and got pretty pissed off).
3. Wikipedia joined the loosely-organized “blackout,” and in the process inspired millions more people to call their representatives. (I think Google put a widget next to the search field on their home page, but they didn’t go dark.)
4. Some of us goobers in Washington — completely outnumbered by the well-heeled entertainment industry goons — pointed out that a lot of constituents (including tens of thousands of copyright holders) weren’t comfortable with this legislation as drafted.

The true action came from internet users who found themselves in a position to push back against a fairly draconian set of proposals. The technology itself amplified their message to the extent that a bill that had already passed out of full committee in the US Senate was put on ice, and the House companion never even made it past markup. You can believe me when I tell you that this is a new dynamic in Washington. I’m not sure anyone has fully wrapped their heads around what it means.

So, are these movements merely lighting in a bottle, or the foundations of a new and lasting form of advocacy? Can these spontaneous yet incredibly potent movements be transitioned from something reactive to something proactive? We may have to wait a while to find out. For now, if I was the MPAA or the RIAA, I might consider internalizing the lesson, instead of blithely dismissing the movement as ill-informed, or worse, driven by tech companies.

What do you bet they won’t?

Regular readers will be familiar with Canadian futurist and ethicist George Dvorsky, whose excellent site Sentient Developments explores topics related to science, technology, human performance and the moral imperative to expand rights of personhood to certain non-human animals. We’ve linked to SD dozens of times over the years, and George was even good enough to let us do some guest blogging back before we got too busy to populate our own damn site.

George is also the Chairman of the Board at the Institute for Ethics and Emerging Technologies as well as the program director for the Rights of Non-Human Persons Program.

We’re happy to count George among our personal friends, which makes it that much more fun to tell you about his podcast, which we listened to all the time back in the day. Besides the cool discussions, we were always really impressed with George’s choices in music for the program. (Dude’s got some big ears!) Now the podcast is back in full force, and we encourage you to check it out. The official feed is here; you can get it through iTunes right here.

Another pal, Michael Nordstrom (aka Nerdstrom, aka Mondhexe, aka fifty other things), has taken his obsession with über-legendary kaiju character Garamon to an absurd and fairly fucking awesome new level. Already the proprietor of fan site Garamania, Nerdstrom is now attempting to become Garamon.

We’re not kidding.

Check out the Kickstarter page for The Becoming of Garamike project, through which Nerdstrom is attempting to raise a mere $2,200 to get a couple of pro sculptors and makeup artists to help him, erm, make the transition. Here’s the official description:

Yes, at last… no longer content to merely document and celebrate the world’s favorite clunky, crusty, fish-lipped, oil-belching, high-rise-wrecking meteorite monster… I, Michael Nordstrom (Nerdstrom), Proprietor of Garamania, being of warped mind and highly costume-tolerant body… have decided to becomeGaramon (actually, Garamike).  Working with ultra-talented professional sculptors/make-up artists Michael Ridge and Michael Turner and a whole lot of alginate, foam and silicone, I will be alchemically transformed into a being as outwardly Garamonic as I could ever hope to be. Our design honors the original suit while adding some cutting-edge components (including the face, which will be a form-fitting silicone masterwork of Gara-expressiveness).  Our goal is to complete work on at least the initial phase (head, hands, feet and tail) by the opening night of GARAMANIACAL, the all-Garamon, all-Pygmon art show I am curating for FOE Gallery in Northampton, Massachusetts (the current image for this project is a section of an incredible painting by Jason Edmiston, which will be on display at the show).  On opening weekend, my hope is to be a Gara-transformed barker and ballyhoo-er, stomping the snowy streets of Northampton to connect the public at large to the show, turning them on to works of Garamonstrous art that they didn’t even realize they needed in their lives (but they do… they definitely do).  The funds you contribute will help us meet this goal, as well as further us on the road to completing a full suit in the foreseeable future.

Backers should know that this will not be a short-term transformation.  Once granted the powers of Gara-becoming by Ridge and Turner, I will be able to become my Gara-self at any time, night or day… I plan to fully inhabit this suit, mustering all of my performance experience to truly bring it to life as a Gara-character unto itself.  Just as Jandek was Ready For The House, I am Ready For The Suit. I have a slew of mindbenderly projects in mind for my Gara-persona… YOU, the audience, will:

THRILL! at the sight of Garamike hosting a delightfully art-damaged musical variety show, to be produced for local cable access (also to be broadcast online);

GASP! while watching Garamike deliver gripping, novel musical performance art happenings to delight and inspire legions of like-monstrous folk (again, to be captured on video for cable and online broadcast);

GUFFAW! at frequent photoplay amusements featuring Garamike, to be posted to Garamania… and much, much more!

This may sound strange, but is it really any weirder than, say, Dolly Parton’s face in that thar new singin’ contest movie?

Best to both of our buds in their quest for excellence!

There’s been tremendous buzz around director David Fincher‘s interpretation of the novel Girl With the Dragon Tattoo — the beach book to end all beach books. By now, anyone with a pulse knows that Fincher’s film follows a Swedish movie that received high marks from critics and audiences. Having just seen the American translation, I can say outright that it tops the Swedish version, and also manages to improve on Stieg Larsson‘s original novel in a number of ways.

Larsson didn’t exactly do filmmakers any favors with his clunky and overly-descriptive yarn. In between lengthy inventories of what characters had for lunch (usually any combination of Aquavit, small sandwiches, coffee and something called Billy’s Pan Pizza), the author delivered unflinching observations of murder and degradation, particularly those acts committed against females. His real contribution to literature, however, is the introduction of an indelible character named Lisbeth Salander — a petite and ferocious young woman who has been chewed up and spat out by institutions ostensibly there to protect people like her. The novel strongly suggests that Salander may be a high-functioning autistic, which may make her the first officially Aspergian detective hero (though I’ve long suspected Sherlock Holmes). In Lisbeth, Larsson created a character both irresistible and off-putting, characteristics that would be difficult for any actress to evoke — particularly when said heroine doesn’t do a lot of talking.

Noomi Rapace played Salander in the Swedish film, and did a fine job of it. Still, Rapace’s portrayal made Lisbeth’s behavior seem like a choice, rather than the product of systematic mistreatment, an iron will or neurological wiring. She was also likely a bit too old for the part. Numerous characters in the novel are continuously surprised — often at their own peril — to discover that this antisocial creature who is often mistaken for a young teen is such a dynamo. Rooney Mara, on the other hand, captures every nuance of this hard-to-pin-down character — from autistic inwardness to intellectual curiosity to explosive rage.

It helps that Mara is physically closer to the Salander in the book, painfully thin and angular, with features that nevertheless could be seen as attractive if not for the deliberate attempts to obscure them with body mortification and a yanked-up hoodie. Credit must be given to whoever designed her wardrobe, which improves greatly on the dated techno-nihilist look of the Swedish film. Fincher and Co. must have spent some time observing pissy crustpunks and misanthropic hackers in real life. (Insert OWS joke here.)

What Mara really brings to the role is ice-cold detachment and a palpable lust for information, especially that transmitted through electronic devices. With precision comportment and a credible Swedish accent, Mara embodies Lisbeth Salander on a cellular level. Whether she’s piecing together clues at superhuman speed, enacting rough justice upon an abuser, or engaging in rapacious lovemaking, this Lisbeth is a force to be reckoned with. I’m still somewhat in awe that a relatively unknown actress could pull off such an arresting performance.

Fincher’s filmmaking style is perfect for at least the first tale in Larsson’s trilogy. The mood is chilly and pensive throughout, and mostly manages to avoid the book’s narrative stumbling blocks. I’m not sure what kind of impression will be generated in viewers who haven’t read the novel, but I’m guessing there’s enough intrigue to entertain. Fincher manages to thread the book’s numerous characters and subplots together in a way that Larsson would have done well to take note of, were he alive to see it.

Daniel Craig is also fantastic. His Mikael Blomkvist is a huge improvement over the Swedish actor, and definitely more likable than the character in the book. (It’s pretty clear that Larsson was writing the fantasy version of himself — a heroic whistleblowing reporter who is, despite advancing middle age, irresistible to women of every conceivable variety.) But it’s not Daniel Craig’s movie. It’s Rooney Mara’s, and she positively owns it. It’s also nice to see Robin Wright as Erica Berger, Blomkvist’s partner at Millennium Magazine (and in the sack). She, too, is leaps and bounds above her predecessor.

If you even marginally liked the book, I expect you’ll really dig the movie. If you’re one of those people who rolls their eyes at American “remakes” of foreign films, get over it. Fincher’s Girl With the Dragon Tattoo is simply superior.

In fact, I look forward to seeing it again this weekend.

Geeks have always shown Ridley Scott deference because of Blade Runner, and horror fans respect him for giving us the original Alien. Now the director is revisiting both. This week, news broke that Scott would be making another Blade Runner installment; this follows his upcoming film Prometheus, which is loosely — but crucially — tied to the original Alien.

As exciting as that may seem for a child of the 1970s like me, I can’t help but have reservations. Look at George Lucas. The Neckless One is not, nor will he ever be, the same caliber filmmaker as Scott, but what he did to the Star Wars canon is nonetheless reprehensible. Scott has made more watchable films in the last decade than Lucas has in his entire career, but that’s not to say there haven’t been a few stinkers (Robin Hood, anyone?). Having worshiped at the altar of Alien (see this previous post about my childhood fixation with Kenner Toys’ doll from the ’70s) and endlessly pondered the mysteries of Blade Runner, I reserve the right to be deeply disappointed if Scott pisses on these achievements.

I know, I know — the Alien series has already been tarnished. Alien Vs. Predator did a fine job of that. Still, I stand by the original passel of sequels (even the much-maligned Alien3), and the first movie is one of the best horror/sci-fi films of all time.

I’d love for Scott to reproduce the claustrophobic, retro-futuristic terror of the first flick in any context. And that seems to be exactly what Prometheus aims to do. Originally a straight-up prequel to Alien, the movie is now being described by Scott and co-scribe Damon Lindelof (“Lost”) as a standalone work that “shares DNA” with the original film. How much DNA remains to be seen, but there are rumors that Prometheus will touch on the origin of the “space jockeys” — those ginormous, fossilized figures glimpsed on the planet where the crew of the Nostromo first encounters the Xenomorph (or at least its face-hugging eggs).

I have hope, but we’ll have to wait until June 2012 to find out whether it’s founded. (Check out this report from ComicCon for a few more details.)

Even less is known about what Scott has planned for Blade Runner. Is it a prequel? A sequel? How many more steps removed will it be from the Philip K. Dick source material? At this point, there isn’t even a script, to say nothing of a release date. As things come together, it could end up being like Prometheus and only share “DNA” with its predecessor.

What do you guys think of all this? Is it a cynical cash grab destined to diminish our formative cinematic experiences, or the promise of something great?

Back in April, Salon published an article called “Val Kilmer’s Dramatic Decline,” which used the straight-to-DVD movie Blood Out as a springboard for belittling the actor. I haven’t seen Blood Out; I doubt I ever will. But I am something of a Kilmer afficianado. Not on the level that some people worship Nic Cage, but close.

The first time I saw Kilmer in a film was Real Genius — still among my favorite goofball ’80s comedies. The character he played made being a science geek look cool. I was never actually a science geek, but I did identify with intellectual outsiders who were fast with a quip. And there are plenty of those in Real Genius. Example: “Would you be prepared if gravity reversed itself? The only thing I can’t figure out is how to keep the change in my pockets. I’ve got it. Nudity.” OK, so it’s not particuarly funny as written dialogue. But that’s what makes Kilmer so awesome — he sells it with a kind of slick, left-field charm. (That quality is also evident in the mock-tastic Top Secret, another early role.)

Everyone of a certain vintage is familiar with Kilmer’s turn as Jim Morrisson in Oliver Stone‘s The Doors, so I won’t go into why he’s the best thing about that bloated bag of inaccuracy. And as the Ice Man in Top Gun? Brilliant.

Kilmer has had some rough years. Not a lot of good roles. Packed on some pounds. Almost ran for governor of New Mexico.

Kilmer is an easy punchline, for sure. On the other hand, everyone loves it when an aging weirdo actor gets a shot at redemption. All eyes are on Francis Ford Coppola‘s “horror” flick Twixt as the potential vehicle. (I put horror in quotes because we all saw what the formerly-great director did with Dracula.)

The trailer is the kind of ridiculous that great horrible movies are made of:

www.youtube.com/watch?v=xP7cQnOcU7I

What do you think?

[My amazing intern at Future of Music Coalition, Scott Oranburg, wrote this overview of Spotify, which I thought was too cool not to also post here.]

OK, we can admit it: we’ve been pretty pumped about Spotify for a while now. The mega-hyped European music service has been been making tracks across the pond for a couple of years, but it was beginning to seem like a US launch would never happen. Now, after securing license agreements with Warner Music Group — the lone major label holdout —  Spotify finally has the greenlight to open shop in America. For US listeners, Spotify offers a 3-tiered payment plan: Listen for free with advertisements (limitations, like listening hour caps will be introduced in six months); get unlimited ad-free music on your computer for $5/month; or get unlimited ad-free music on any computer and mobile device for $10/month.

We decided that it was well worth plunking down the ten bucks and taking the unlimited service for a ride. Why not? We’ve been waiting a while. In fact, when Casey Rae-Hunter interviewed Spotify founder/CEO Dan Ek live at the 2009 Future of Music Policy Summit, the Swedish entrepreneur said the service would launch later that year. Better late than never! (Casey also just spoke to American Public Media’s “Marketplace” about the US launch; check that out here.)

First Impressions
It’s really fast. And it works really well. And it sounds really, really good.

Although subscription on-demand music services have been around for a while now, none have managed to capture the same buzz as Spotify. We’re not naming names, but some initially struggled with clunky interfaces, iffy catalogs or weak marketing (or a combination). Meanwhile, Spotify seems to have been running on all cylinders in Europe right out of the gate. Our feeling about the American version is that it’s the real deal.

The entire interface feels incredibly familiar from the moment you login. The program itself looks a lot like iTunes, which many users have navigated for years. Playlists are stored to the left. Libraries are shown in the middle. Search bars are up top. Volume and playback controls are at the bottom. You can star songs or albums you like, and you can look back into your play history. And, Spotify’s unique caching and piecemeal streaming system makes everything play instantly, as if it were actually stored on your hard drive. Actually, the loading time was noticeably faster than our external harddrive on USB 2.0, and the quality on par with — or superior to — most of the tracks on iTunes or floating around cyberspace.

But the real “aha” moment comes when you realize just how expansive the Spotify catalog is. Search almost anything, and it’s right there for immediate playback. Choose entire albums or single tracks. Check out artists’ “top hits” before delving deeper into their catalog. And you can browse related artists’ discographies while you’re at it. It’s pretty much all the music you can imagine, immediately accessible and totally legal. The interface is fast and easy. Almost everything can be dragged-and-dropped, while playlists, libraries and even local files on your hard drive are immediately accessible with a single click.

Mobile Access
The iPhone app is pretty killer (Android is on the way). Over WiFi, Spotify feels just as good and plays just as quickly as it does on a laptop. The interface still isn’t quite as intuitive as that of an iPod Touch, but it’s pretty close. But more importantly, the 3G streaming is unbelievably fast compared to similar subscription services like MOG or Rdio. Spotify’s caching system is very robust, so much so that playback is totally consistent if you start an album and let it play straight through. There’s no telling exactly how long the cache will run (for example, imagine losing service on the subway for a few stops), but from our initial use, it seems very rugged. Of course, the caching has to restart when skipping between songs, so 3G definitely has some limitations when compared with an MP3 player with local files. (Local device downloads, which last as long as you subscribe, pretty much solve this issue.)

Deeper into the Interface
OK, so maybe we’re just a bit giddy, but Spotify seems to actually change the music-listening experience, too. Think back to when you first got an iPod: all the music you owned was on one device, and it synced with your computer pretty seamlessly. Suddenly, everyone had their music with them at the gym, in the car, on flights, etc. Music became further entrenched into all of our lives, and that was in pretty much everyone’s best interest (unless that music wasn’t paid for). It seems that Spotify is now offering a similar evolution in the listening experience.This isn’t just because Spotify eliminates frustrating load times, duplicated files, missing cover art, corruption errors, shoddy external harddrive connections, over-capacity listening devices, or waiting for downloads to finish. Rather, Spotify’s real impact may extend beyond the polish of the interface; it may come from the way we can share music with each other.

The potential here seems unprecedented. Because all of this music is in the “cloud,” Spotify users can subscribe to others’ playlists, email songs, share tracks on Facebook or integrate with other third-party products like Turntable.fm. A decade after the MP3 revolution, Spotify has now made legal and streamlined the music-sharing process. While writing this, we literally asked around the office and on Facebook about new music suggestions. All was immediately searchable and streamable. From there, we could post favorite tracks to Facebook or throw ‘em into our Turntable.fm queue for more people to discover. We even sent recently played songs to Mom, who is still listening to music suggestions from Mother’s Day 2009.

Spotify is well-integrated with Facebook, too. And, while previous social music offerings haven’t really taken off (like Apple’s Ping), Spotify’s social features have tons of potential. Went to your friend’s dance party last night? Great, check out her Spotify playlists, and grab the tracks immediately and legally. Share them with more of your friends following your playlists, throw them on your queue to listen to on the way to work, and then pick up where you left off once you sit down at your computer. From top to bottom, Spotify works really well and really quickly, and it creates a fluid music-listening experience that for many, may even trump Apple.

Impact on Artists
Of course, our primary concerns are about working musicians. We love to see new technology improve our experience with music, but we don’t want it to be at the expense of songwriters or performers. Fortunately, Spotify is completely legal, and pays rights holders (including musicians). Right now, the money coming to artists from such services is nothing like selling merch at shows, but it is a revenue stream. (In fact, independent musicians may fare better than major label artists due to contracts and “recoupables.”) There’s no way to predict whether subscriptions will eventually displace album sales — download or physical — and it’s also unclear how that shift would affect the music community as a whole. Still, it’s nice to see something that we think can legitimately “compete with free.” The rest comes down to user adoption of the premium service, licensing issues and contracts. We’ll be keeping an eye on all of these developments (and both ears on our Spotify).

I’m a busy guy, and my job requires me to think about some big hairy subjects (like how copyright might coexist with the giant photocopier that is the internet). Subsequently, my intellectual output in other areas is limited. But that doesn’t stop me from having ideas. The genius switch is permanently fixed in the ON position.

Here are a handful of mind grapes I’d love mash into brain wine if I only had the time.

Dichotomies of Evil: The Cosmology of Ronnie James Dio
This would be an academic overview of the mythological/metaphorical writings of the late metal vocalist Ronnie James Dio, whose peculiar — and often self-contradictory — prose is fertile ground for interpretation and analysis. “We’re a ship without a storm / The cold without the warm / Light inside the darkness that it needs, yeah.” Step aside, Chaucer, there’s a new bard in town.

“Pulling Out:  A Comparative Study of Post-Occupation Statescraft and Coitus Interruptus”
Just gathering the data.

A Bronzepunk Manifesto
This book will make the case for reviving the aesthetics of the ideogramic era, from Sumer to Anatolia. You can’t think outside the box until you INVENT BOXES.

“Comedy as Foreign Policy Wedge in the Post-Yakov Smirnoff Era”
Pretty self-explanatory.

“High Functioning Autism in the Realm of the Non-Arithmetic”
Not everyone on the autism spectrum is good at math. This essay, suitable for publication in any number of medical or psychology journals, will examine the origins of the misperception while describing a broader range of facilities and deficits experienced by those with this neuroatypicality.

Libertarianism is a Social Disease
A short tract on the virulent spread of this political “philosophy,” with practical examples on how to protect against infection and limit its spread.

“Aaron Sorkin is a Pox on Humankind”
Do I really need to write this?

“Privacy: Irrelevant or Utterly Irrelevant?”
This article will examine all the reasons why efforts to curtail data-mining technologies are doomed. Whether you’re a repressive government keeping tabs on your public’s every move, or a megacorp hellbent on increasing shareholder returns, there is little incentive to cling to archaic notions of privacy. Sure, some policymakers will try. And they will fail.

The Cases of “Night Court”
A compendium of the most significant rulings by Judge Harold T. “Harry” Stone, with historic and contemporary legal analysis.

Not Fat, Just Just Big-Souled: A Foodie’s Guide to Megachurch Eateries
From Starbucks to Applebee’s, faith is big business for chain restaurateurs. This is the first comprehensive guide to getting the most out of your megachurch dining experience. Physical edition comes with coupons and a temporary tattoo of Jesus riding a dinosaur.

It’s officially the unofficial start of summer! If you watch your local news, you know this is an extremely confusing time for Americans. We have no idea how to comport ourselves after the third week in May. Your local ActionCast FactCopter team is editing their twelfth summer safety tips segment of the week at this very second.

And just in time. For without these segments, how would we know not to eat raw chicken marinated in sun-ripened mayonnaise while diving head-first into a shallow 39-degree lake? And they always provide the most wonderful traffic tips. “Give yourself extra time.” Wait, I can create time? Like some kind of god? I have god powers? JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE, COME TO MY APARTMENT. THE TIME-GOD COMMANDS YOU. Damn. Okay, no. I’m not some kind of god.

And neither are you, probably. So you will need these summer safety tips, unless you want to die of Summer Confusion. Upwards of one American(s) per year dies of Summer Confusion. Don’t become a fake statistic.

Bob observes safety first! Ahoy!

Sunscreen. Always wear sunscreen. Especially at night. I know there is no sun at night, but there are ghosts. Sunscreen makes you invisible to most ghosts, such as creepy-ass little kids who want to tell you who murdered them, and lonely Victorian people sexily twirling their parasols at you going “Yooo hooo!” like weirdos. The higher the SPF (Spook Protection Factor), the better the results.

The ocean. Swimming in the ocean can be a great way to unwind after a long night of ghosts. But the sea is a dangerous place, filled with Jawses and Jaws Twos, garbage from unlicensed human-animal hybrid experiment clinics, and the tears of whales who are sad because you often forget to recycle. The best way to confront sea danger is to find one of the Jawses and ride around on its back. Sharks are the cops of the ocean. Go on a ride-along and you will be safest jerk in the whole ocean. He might even let you arrest someone! In this cop/shark metaphor, “arrest” means “eat.” Which reminds me…

Food safety. Did you know that 20 percent of all foods are actively out to get you? Potatoes, for example, are very rude. It’s not fatal or anything, but it’s downright annoying when you are preparing Grandmother’s Kind of Weird Potato Salad That Contains Meat For No Clear Reason, and one of the spuds is like “Nice job. Where’d you learn to cook, Airplane Food School?” Asshole! Most starchy vegetables are rude in the style of late-’80s standup comics. They are impervious to irony. But not knives. So you will have the last laugh. But be sure not to eat too much. Why?

You are fat. Look in the mirror. Are you a man? Congratulations! You are awesome and perfect just the way you are. Go enjoy the hot weather and howl at girls. You are the star of your own Jimmy Buffett song. You are that guy from Sublime, only not dead. Hop into some enormous cargo shorts and stuff those banana-bunch feet into dad sandals and fucking work it. Are you a woman? Uh oh! You’re too fat. Unless you’re too skinny. Either way, you’re too fat. What you should do is immediately change your body type. Not by exercising. Only women who are already fit (but not too muscular, because that baffles men in the cargo-shorted area) are allowed to exercise in public. Just make it happen. Get perfect. I hear reading cruel comments on the internet works wonders, so here’s one to get you started: hahaha your a fat looser beach wale lol hahaha. Hope that helps!

The three Rs. If you remember nothing else in your entire life because you have some sort of remembering disorder, remember the three Rs, and you will have the safest summer ever.
1. Rules. Follow every tip you hear on the news, especially the ones based on studies funded by large corporations where the results encourage use of their products. Rules are the foundation of fun. You can’t spell fun without rules (the rules of spelling.)
2. Remembering. Remember that remembering disorder I just mentioned? Me neither. I think I have it.
3. Rules. Follow every…wait, did I do this one already? I feel like I did this one already.

Have a safe summer, everyone! Hope it goes SWIMMINGLY. Hope you have a WHALE of a time. Hope MY SOPHISTICATED WORDPLAY IS NOT LOST ON YOU.

The Contrarian is temporarily suspending publication in order for the Editor in Chief to take a much-deserved vacation. Our daily schedule will resume on or around June 12. We apologize for any inconvenience this service interruption may cause, and promise to take lots of pictures of our tour through Paris, Rome, Sicily, Turkey and Greece.

Backstory:

[Wikipedia]: In 1989, sixties pop group The Turtles sued hip-hop band De La Soul for using a sample from their 1969 hit “You Showed Me” for the interlude track “Transmitting Live from Mars,” despite the fact that The Turtles did not actually write the original song.

Last week, the Library of Congress selected De La Soul’s 3 Feet High and Rising for the National Recording Registry. This is only the second hip-hop album to receive this status, after Public Enemy’s Fear of a Black Planet, which was added in 2004.

Both records would be impossible to release today, due to current copyright law and the environment for licensing samples, which is both expensive and unwieldy.

The following is a faux-letter to the Library of Congress from the Turtles, protesting the addition of De La Soul to the National Recording Registry. It was written by my policy intern Adam Holofcener. We believe that the following bit of satire is covered under a clear parody exception.

————–

To: Library of Congress
From: The Turtles^[1
Re: More like “Piracy-brary” of Congress
Date: 4/20/11

Dear Library,

We, the Turtles, were extremely disappointed with your decision to name De La Soul’s morally bankrupt recording, Three Feet High and Rising, to the 2010 registry of the National Recording Preservation Board of the Library of Congress. This is not an exercise in envy, um, lest you, Library, tactfully forget our magnanimous barrage of decorative hand soaps to your personal residencies.^[2] But, back to the matter at hand, The American Criminal Law! Or, is it Copyright?^[3] Whatever the case, our American courts have determined^[4] that De La Soul fiendishly appropriated our wits and bravado without due cause or compensation. Plagiarism! Barbarism! Patriotism! We are well aware that the Library has rational faculties at their beck and call; however, we would prefer that they use such faculties in a way that does not promote rampant intellectual theft.^[5]

We, or shall I say “I,”^[6] would like to remind the Library that we obtained a pretty nice out-of-court settlement from Messrs. De, La and Soul which, in a certain way of looking at it, bound us to them and their nefarious work in perpetuity.^[7] Thus, we propose a new out of-court-settlement to accompany our last one.^[8] If De Law® Soul is in the registry, then we would also like to be inducted. We aren’t terribly sure how the registry is organized (perhaps by alphabetical order?), but, whatever the case, we would like to be inserted directly in front of De La’s entry.^[9] The symbiotic nature of our two works has gotten very “Frodo and the Ring”-ish in our book. Some have said that characterizing the works this way is a unique reading of the situation that literally no one else has bothered to notice.^[10] Well, fiddlesticks. The Turtles and De La Soul go together like fried haddock and mushy peas.^[11] I could really go for some mushy peas; perhaps, even, some fiddlesticks. You have gotten me off track!^[12]

….

In conclusion, Library, it would be our honor to invite you to a band showcase that we are having at “The Whiskey A Go Go” this evening.  I told the promoter that we could bring at least 37 people and he seemed impressed. We hope you take our considerations to heart when contemplating new additions to your registry.^[13] Again, great work on the Songs of the Humpback Whales pull!

To us being “Happy Together,”

The Turtle(s)

^[2] Are hand soaps not “in” anymore?

^[3] Our lawyers are unclear, as well.

^[4] Well, maybe not “officially” determined, but their large, looming shadow really pushed our cause into the litigious end-zone, so to speak.

^[5] A job well done on choosing Tammy Wynette’s “Stand By Your Man,” for this year’s registry.

^[6] [Ed's. Note: At this point, it seems clear that all but vocalist Howard Kaylan has relocated to the local watering hole in the less prosperous section of the Hollywood Hills.]

^[7] In the settlement, we tried to stipulate that the group change its name to “De Law Soul,” as a constant reminder of the infrastructure surrounding their future creative endeavors, but we, sadly, lacked the clout.

^[8] Our lawyer has repeatedly asked us to ignore the law, and all allusions to it, in responses to this inquiry.

^[9] Please send us the official Dewey decimal demarcation of our LP’s placement.

^[10] A fan commented that it was similar to baseball teams that think they are engaged in an explicit rivalry with the New York Yankees even though they are not the Boston Red Sox.

^[11] [Ed's. Note: Kaylan has gradually affected an East London accent (“Top of the Pops” reruns have been on throughout the making of this transcription). There is probably a correlation between this possibly unconscious behavior and the ingestion of his fifth Pimms Cup.]

^[12] [ . . . Eds. Note]

^[13] Have you thought of doing this more than once a year?  I am in a business class at the Santa Monica Community College and the Professor has stressed that limiting yourself to such few engagements does not, in fact, “up the rarity factor.”