VMAs, Freemasonry — What More Could You Want On A Monday Afternoon?

I'm still reeling from the colossal shitstorm that was this year's MTV VMAs. At least no one made me blog about it. All the pretty lights and booze in Vegas couldn't save this overblown (and dull!) awards show. Sarah Silverman should really know better. And I should have known not to bother watching.

Oh, but those Freemasons!

Over the weekend, Brooke and I paid a visit to the penultimate parlor of brotherhood, the George Washington Masonic Memorial in Alexandria, Virginia. The building is quite majestic from the outside, but the interior is like a glorified Elk's Lodge filled with pseudo-mystical, quasi-biblical baubles.

I still took tons of pictures, once I was certain it was kosher. Hell, they allowed a film shoot for National Treasure II: Book of Secrets. (Wasn't that the subhead for Blair Witch II? I bet this flick is every bit as good).

For those of you who prefer to hold tight to your Dan Brown fantasies about shadowy conspiracies and metaphorical Christ-blood, consider this your Secret Society Spoiler Alert.

Pics and deliciously clever captions below the fold.

This is the side view of the building. It's more magnificent from the front, but that's not where we parked, OK?

Wife on steps.

This is the main ritual chamber. Exactly.

Jerry Lewis. Moments after this photo was taken, he exclaimed, "Get away from me, you fag!"

Freemasons sure do love their inverted pentagrams. I think this is Satan's pillowcase.

Talk about mixed messages.

More cultish-looking literature.

In addition to secretly ruling the world, they also play with Barbies.

Groovy mural and Corinthian columns. I just like to say "Corinthian."

By George, what is this powdered wiggery?

Where is it written that the Founding Fathers must always be depicted with amazing leg muscles?

They just don't write obits like this anymore.

I'm turning this one in to the FBI.

These signify something, I'm certain.

Masonic conspiracy theories go way back.

I found the Ark of the Covenant!

In Biblical times, there were no over-the-counter remedies for "burning bush."

A pirate thong?

Chooseth Ye Path, Light or Dark. Or color in the animals with crayons!

The Breakfast Nook to Nowhere.

Nebuchadnezzar bein' a dick, as usual.

Magickal seahorses!

This stained glass ain't shit compared to the National Cathedral.

Gareth, our Masonic Overlord.

You thought I was making that up, didn't you?

These are some more dolls.

And this is where you flambé them to appease your Dark God(s).

Pseudo-Egyptian nonsense. Kind of like Thelema, but with even tackier decor.

Congratulations — you've won the Poster Child Award!

More miniature stuff. This is a giant model parade that goes 'round and 'round. About as thrilling as it sounds.

Shriner cars get excellent gas mileage, actually.

The Saddest Thing in the World.

Why does something so Scottish Rite feel so wrong?

The Seal of the Great Architect, from On High.

So what did I learn about Freemasonry? Basically that any group with this apalling an aesthetic cannot possibly control the world.

But I intend no disrespect with these photos and captions; my great-grandfather was a 33rd Degree Mason. Plus I don't want to be taken away in the middle of the night...

Comments

[Widow's Son]

Way cool photos! Enjoyed the crazy captions, too.

Widow's Son
BurningTaper.com

[Sean]

This was a related article that I found quite funny from Dennis Hensley, a freelance dude that contributes to msnbc's site, among others.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/20688989/

[Molly]

This is the best damn thing I seen all day. I am shaking with excitement. THEY HAVE AN ONLINE GIFT SHOP!

[Jebson]

Whoa...your captions take the cake. I've never seen such idolatry. Those heathens shall be smite (smited? Smote?...I think that's past tense) down and consumed by fires of a most jealous god. I must be learning something over here, cuz I know I saw the alchemical process in one of those pentagrams, and it sure looks like a golden muscaria mushroom in the final "philosopher's stone" stage. You're right, though...they're an aesthetically lazy fraternity.

[Luke]

Lazy? No we're just usually too busy arguing with one another over something to actually make a unified dicision on something like decorating.

[Tanner]

oh that's good stuff. When i lived on Clarke street my bedroom window looked out on the Masonic temple at the top of church, that building is great, so dark and brick. i also liked to look out at it and imagine that inside that giant peaked roof was some demon restrained just barely by massive shackles and magic.

I was often drunk when i did this.

[casey]

Like Yog-Sothoth in The Pentagon, which is also just down the street...

I feel an Occcultica/DC Architecture post coming on. And damn, I was just about to reveal the glory of Wishbone Ash over on ProgBlog. Guess it'll have to wait...

[geoff]

There's a lovely Scottish Rite temple just up the road from Johns Hopkins here in Baltimore. I think it's being turned into condos. Dibs on the ritual chamber suite!

Loyola College already purchased the Boumi temple, detonated it, and sowed the ground with salt. Now it's a co-ed undergrad workout complex.

[Hiram Abiff]

I like, the photos. Though i do not understand the satire. The Washington Masonic Temple is a amazing building though!

[DarbyOG]

What a great tour, thanks. Not to educational, but lots of fun. You should consider guiding us to other monuments! I would be a fan.