The Contrarian

People REALLY Hate Metallica.

I mean, the band is a therapy-addled husk of their formerly brutal selves, but it really amazes me how much vitriol is directed at them. Sure, they haven't released a decent album in nearly two decades and their drummer is a coked-out loudmouth with a pricey modern art collection and no sense of what people ever liked about their music. But that hardly makes him unique. So why all the haters?

People stick behind other consistently disappointing acts. There's only two dudes left in The Who, and Pete Townshend is an incorrigible asshole who may or may not have downloaded kiddie porn while doing "research" for a "book" that still hasn't seen the light of day. Yet they still sell out arenas, and even suckered a few balding bastards to buy their last album, terrible as it was.

Metallica, on the other hand, get no love. It's clearly because of that whole Napster thing. You remember when Lars and the boys went after their "fans" for illegally trading their music on the web? Don't get me wrong, stealing music is theft, plain and simple. But this incident made them pariahs, even among typically loyal metalheads. That their music had taken a sharp turn for Suckville couldn't have helped matters. (Bands, take note: this is how you squander your legacy.)

Now, Lars is saying they might "pull a Radiohead," and release their records online. For free, even. One wonders if they could give their music away, at this point.

"You know, this is our last record under contract with Warner, so we're looking at how we can embrace everything," Lars says. You mean like they embraced hair gel and over-processed snare drums? I don't care how the hell they release their music; I can pretty much guarantee it'll be utter crap.

Check out the comments field of this Wired Listening Post report on Metallica's digital conversion, and feel the hate! No wonder they need therapy. Maybe they can use this ire to make some suitably aggressive music and start winning back those listeners who abandoned them long ago. Ah, who cares? I feel like an douche even writing about them. But hey, it kept me from posting about Hillary!

Led Zeppelin To Tour With Reformed Nirvana!

UPDATE: April Fool's!!!!!!!

I penned this supposed story all by myself, and I'm rather proud of my work. Note how I used words like "queue" and "whilst" for extra authenticity. But seriously — did you really think ANYONE would accept Scotty Weiland as a replacement for Kurt Cobain? There'd be riots in the streets.

From the London Times:

Recent reports have put the on-again, off-again Led Zeppelin reunion tour decidedly back on, with frontman Robert Plant declaring his committment to a worldwide jaunt with the group in early fall. Perhaps most surprising is the band's choice of opening acts, which follows months of rumors and speculation about who would get the warm-up slot.

In another shocker, Zeppelin, which disbanded in 1980 following the accidental death of drummer John Bonham, has tapped defunct Seattle grunge stars Nirvana as openers. This is most surprising to music fans and observers, considering the suicide of Nirvana frontman and songwriter Kurt Cobain in 1994.

Zeppelin mouthpiece Plant explains the decision: "Many associate us with some bygone hippie era, but members of Zep have always kept abreast of modern music," he told the Times via phone whilst prepping for a tour with US bluegrass singer Allison Krauss. "Nirvana, in many ways, were the Led Zeppelin of their time. And if we can get it back together, so can they."

No comments were forthcoming from the Nirvana camp, which includes bassist Krist Novoselic and drummer Dave Grohl, also of rock act Foo Fighters. Rumors of Cobain's replacement have begun to run rampant, with ex-Stone Temple Pilots and Velvet Revolver singer Scott Weiland at the top of the queue.

"Scott is a natural choice," says one associate close to Nirvana. "Of course, he doesn't really play guitar, so they'd have to draft another player. I've heard Izzy Stradlin's [Guns 'N Roses] name kicked around, but at this point, it's just speculation."

Led Zeppelin were among the top concert grosses of their era, with some attendance records still standing. The band has not toured the US since 1977, and are expected to command a hefty ticket price for any and all dates.

Wow. I can't fucking believe it. As psyched as I am about Zep touring, I'm pretty pissed off that Nirvana would contemplate reuniting without Kurt. And especially with that douchebag Weiland. When are bands gonna learn?

More Stupid Videos.

Featuring everybody's favorite musclebound gothic goober, Danzig!

Danzig sings his shopping list:

Danzig duets with Shakira:

Danzig explains his songwriting process and why he prefers Les Paul guitars. While shirtless in his kitchen:

Dnazig gets punched the fuck out:

The Contrarian's Rockin' New Year

It feels like forever since I last posted, but it's really only been a couple of days. A couple of really busy work-filled days. But there's been a bit of end-o'-year cheer, too.

Saturday night was fun. We went to a DC house party for FMC's departing Executive Director Jenny Toomey. Drank a bit, engaged in interesting conversation with some very sharp people. Ian MacKaye was there. I so wanted to take a time machine back to 1991 or so and tell my teenage friends that I was at a intimate gathering with the leader of Minor Threat and Fugazi.

Unfortunately, I didn't really get to talk to Ian. Why not? Because I was engaged in heavy duty conversation with Sandy Pearlman. A huge deal for me. Pearlman is one of the original rock journos who got his start writing for the cardinal rock magazine, Crawdaddy. He's also credited with applying the term "heavy metal" to the harder edged sounds that emerged from the ass-end of the '60s. (This is a somewhat contentious claim, however.)

Perhaps more importantly (to me anyway), Pearlman is the mastermind behind Blue Öyster Cult. From the band's website:

"Sandy Pearlman's contributions to Blue Öyster Cult are innumerable. He was there from the beginning, groomed the formative band for label-readiness, became their manager, produced their records, supplied lyrical content and concept, and more."

Billboard once called Sandy the “Hunter Thompson of rock, a gonzo producer of searing intellect and vast vision.” Sounds about right to me. He also managed Black Sabbath and produced The Clash and The Dictators. Later, he was one of the first 25 employees of eMusic, and served as their vice president. These days, Sandy is an adjunct Professor of music theory at McGill University in Montreal, where he educates on subjects ranging from the remonetizing of digital music to the history of heavy metal.

We spent the majority of our conversation talking about the aesthetics of sound recording in rock, and I got to hear all the arcane details of BOC's studio process. Sadly, I'm not at liberty to reveal anything, lest the Agents of Fortune take me away.

How's your holiday action going?

Raddest Shit Ever.

Yes,that's the actual title of this post. Get over it.

I was cruising MetalSucks, when I stumbled across a buncha art-house directors' names melded into heavy metal band logos. Apparently, some video store in CA (of course) sells 'em as t-shirts. But they don't do mailorder, which is a bummer.Yes, they do! You know which one I want:

More below the fold:

Random Mutations.

I strive to compose themed posts, and not just schizophrenic spatterings. But sometimes there's no choice. So please forgive my indulgence in the arbitrary. I'm only human.

Cleveland has been popping up on my radar a lot lately. First there's the school shooting, which, while not as casualty-heavy as other recent massacres, is yet another indicator of our sad society. Also, I got a semi-random inquiry as to whether or not I'd consider taking a Music Editor position at that city's alt-newsweekly. I know next to nothing about Cleveland, other than it "rocks" and it's in Ohio. But if the folks CNN has interviewed on camera are any indication, I think I know about as much as I want to. OK, that's not really fair. I'm sure there's lots to recommend it. Like maybe the R & R Hall of Fame?

This morning I was e-mailed two, count 'em, two separate articles on the jackboot business practices of Victory Records. Both were published in the Cleveland Scene, and both are by the same author. I've done some independent research into Tony Brummel's paranoid and self-serving leadership style, so I merely skimmed them. But if you don't already know the story, it's worth checking out, if only to marvel at the dude's utter cretinousness: "Victory at All Costs," "Hollow Victory." 

Did anyone catch Lynne Cheney on "The Daily Show" last night? I thought she fared pretty well, actually. I loved it it when she gifted Jon Stewart with an "old family heirloom" — an oversized Darth Vader figurine. "Does it have a microphone in it?" Stewart quipped.

Cheney was remarkably forthcoming about her opposition to a constitutional amendment on gay marriage. She claims both she and her husband have been vocal about their opinions all along, which, despite their daughter's open lesbianism, strains credulity. Nevertheless, "The Daily Show" is a loud megaphone — perhaps her appearance will embolden homosexual Republicans (or as Boy George calls 'em, vegetarian butchers) to come out of the bathroom stall.

Excuse the fact that Lynne Cheney is married to one of the most despicable men on the planet, and she seems like a decent enough woman. Everybody's got their blind spot, right? Stewart, for his part, was exceptionally polite throughout the interview. Especially in comparison with the douching he gave Chris Matthews. But who is more complicit in our country's moral and intellectual decline? I'd say Cheney, even if by proxy. C'mon Jon, grow a pair.

Have a look, while the embed lasts.

Part One:

Part Two:

This is old, but still somewhat amusing: French Vogue's Satanic Fashion Spread.

Ronnie James Dio has a reputation as a sweet guy; kinda like your heavy metal grandpa. But mention ex-Dio axeman Vivian Campbell (currently of Def Leppard), and the horns come out. And we're not talking about his patented gang sign, either. Check it:

End Transmission.

New Dumb Metal Video.

Got a couple of minor errands to run before I can tell you what went down last night in Baltimore. . .

Until then, feast your eyes on another lyrical reinterpretation of a classic metal song, by the same English nutters who brought you "Fucking Hoff-Style." This one is a riff on Slayer's "Angel of Death." The clip is funny, sure. But the music makes me realize that, even after two decades, "AOD" still, ahem, slays. Courtesy MetalSucks, of course:

PS: If you haven't a;ready watched Mr. Caldwell's footage of the Mahmoud Ahmadinejad protest, you really should. Back in a bit. . .

Rehab Works — Who Knew?

Fresh from his stint as Pepsodent spokesmodel, David Lee Roth rejoins Van Halen.  

I've never been a huge Van Halen fan, but the David Lee Roth-era stuff can be entertaining, when the mood strikes. And as a guitarist who grew up in the '70s and '80s, I have a certain amount of respect for Eddie Van Halen's technique; he may be responsible for inspiring a horde of hairsprayed hacks, but he definitely advanced the science of lead guitar.

It's just that I prefer my hard rock, well, harder. VH are essentially a bubblegum pop band with six-string pyrotechnics and gleaming, toothy smiles. The backing vocals are pure sun 'n' fun, and DLR is the Steve Martin of rock frontmen. Apart from Eddie's fretwork, you're not supposed to take them seriously. And I don't.

I really couldn't give a shit about their reunion tour, but I just watched some rehearsal clips, and, I must say, they sound a helluva lot better than I expected. Guess Eddie's time in dry dock did the trick.

Remember ex-low-ender Michael Anthony's Jack Daniels bass? I think his replacement (Eddie's teen son Wolfgang) should play a juice box.

Head on over to ProgBlog for some more music stuff. . .

Seriously, ProgBlog has been updated. Stop dawdling and get over there.

F*cking Hoff-Style!

Found this clip over at Metal Sucks, and, although it's totally fucktarded, it deserves to be seen at least once.

Some British guy made a video of what he thinks are the lyrics to Pantera's "Fucking Hostile." Ben, I think you might dig this for some reason:

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Black Metal is Officially Dead.

Which is probably just how those little necro bastards like it.

Check out this Brazilian fashion designer's new line of gravewear. Perfect for group sacrifices and church burning socials (courtesy Idolator, of course):

Here are a few of my all-time favorite Black Metal videos:

The uncensored (and dead sexy) version of Satyricon's "Mother North":

This one's from the always hillarious Immortal:

And finally, a band I love to the bottom of my grim and frostbitten heart, Gorgoroth:

I almost forgot this strange and sad picture from Candleblog (via RiotClitShave):